Timon's Adoption Day

Another big milestone in the past month was Timon's Adoption Day!  September 30th was our court day.  The boys dressed up in their "Superman was adopted" t-shirts and all was smooth and easy. 

Court feels to us like just a formality even though of course it's oober important (you know, the whole making it legal thing).  We never know how big of a deal we want to make Adoption Day, because it's not as if it were the day that they became a part of our family - that happened LONG before the actual Adoption Day.  But it IS a day where we can celebrate adoption, the amazing way that God chose to make us all a family.

It was a lot of fun introducing our lawyer, Megan, to Timon and also fun for her to see Douglas two years after HIS adoption finalized. 

While we were waiting, Micah and Douglas walked around exploring.  Douglas decided to open up a random door that happened to lead to a court room that was in session.  Oops! 

We taught him about "having a meeting", so when we were ready to leave, he walked up the steps to the judge's bench and said he had a meeting.

That night, Heather and Brian and the boys came over to celebrate with us. We had a picnic in the back yard with homemade sushi (rice and beans for the kids - they're not into Sushi quite yet!).

(Timon is hiding in that wrap that I'm wearing)

We finished off the night with a marshmallow roast in the chimenea. 

Timon of course slept through the entire thing, but it was still important to us that we celebrate in some way.

Plus, we're always game for an excuse to celebrate around here!

It was amazing how quickly this finalization process went. 30 days. That's crazy fast.  Douglas' finalization was fast and that took three months.  I think because it was so fast it didn't really sink in for me.  It was hard to believe that it was really all over after we shook the judge's hand, got our 2-year-old to finish up his important meeting, and walked out of the court house.  But, alas - it really is over.  Really, really, really.  <insert sigh of relief>

A Rainbow and a Pot of Veggies

Douglas made this rainbow at school, and Micah and I both separately thought that it would be a perfect logo for something.  I think maybe it's a perfect logo for life.  And certainly for parenthood.  It's messy and a bit off-kilter sometimes.  It's not perfect or symmetrical or what you expect.  It's entirely outside the box.  Something you can't plan for or master or perfect.  But it is beautiful.  It is colorful and brings such joy and light and shakes things up all the time.  It makes things interesting.  It surprises you.  And, ultimately, it is TONS better this crooked, funky way than it ever would be the perfectly straight, in-the-lines, predictable way.

After two weeks of feeling like I was completely in a fog, I suddenly felt like myself again.  Things are still hectic around here and we're still majorly adjusting to this new life as a family of four.  But it's me adjusting, me experiencing the normal stress and ups and downs that come with such a life change.  Before, it felt like some other person had taken over my body.

That's how depression feels, in my opinion.  Like you are trapped inside and can't quite shake that super heavy thing that has taken over you.  It reminds me of one of the Spider Man movies (I know - you're laughing at me now) - maybe #3 - where that black tar stuff covers his body and he becomes this darker, totally different version of himself.  He's still in there, but the tarry crap has temporarily taken over.  I knew I was feeling depressed -  because I've dealt with depression before.  I felt like this time it was situational and that it would go away on its own.  I hoped it would.

Well, there was a vegetarian miracle.

My dad decided to do this diet called Eat to Live (at the risk of sounding condescending, I'm so proud of him for doing it.  I love him and therefore want him to be as healthy as he can be, so this step makes me very, very happy).  It involves eating tons (as much as you want) of fruits, veggies, and beans/legumes - a small amount of grains - and little to no animal products.  Micah and I are doing it to support him and also to detox our bodies after 8 weeks of eating badly after Timon was born.  We were eating whatever was easy and convenient rather than what would make us feel good and healthy. 

Well, I kid you not, within a day I felt a shift.  I'm not making this up.  I wasn't even expecting the diet to rid me of my depression.  I should have expected it to at least help because eating well ALWAYS improves our mental and emotional state, but I just hadn't even thought about it.  And suddenly, a day into it, it literally felt like this fog lifted off of me.  My sister said that she noticed there was more light in my eyes.  I'm back!  At first, I wasn't sure if it was the change in diet that had done the trick.  I wondered if it would continue or if this was a fluke.  Well, all I can say is that it's a week later and I'm still feeling great!  It feels so good to feel like myself again!!

For the record, I don't believe that diet changes can cure all depression.  Sometimes it is chemical and needs to be treated with medication in my opinion.  But in my case this time, I knew that it was situational and, as if turns out, dietary more than it was chemical.

If any of you are looking for a way to detox your body before the winter starts, check out Eat to Live by Dr. Fuhrman.  I don't necessarily agree with every single thing in his book (ie. I've read a lot about negative aspects of soy, but he's totally ok with soy), but any way of eating that is based largely on fruits and vegetables and beans is super good for you.  I've read other books that tout the benefits of animal products, while his talks about the major risks associated with eating them in even moderate quantities.  Like anything else in the health world, there are majorly conflicting opinions out there.  All you can do is make the best decision you can with the information that's available today.  The research he presents about the effects of eating so many animal products is very compelling and alarming.  Since Douglas and I can't have dairy and I can't eat much meat, it's an easy decision for us. 

It's a 6-week plan, and the author says that after you've done 6 weeks you'll look and feel so great that you'll change the way you eat for the long term.  We've done one week so far.  If any of you want to join us, let me know and we can trade recipe ideas, etc!  The book talks a lot about losing massive amounts of weight (like for people who weigh 300 lbs), but he also mentions that his approach works for any body type - the point ultimately is to, well, eat to live!  So, the idea is to eat in a healthy way that will give you energy and vitality and prevent many diseases.  Losing weight doesn't have to be your focus at all - it can just be detoxing the body and eating in a way that is extremely healthy for you.

All I can say is that Micah and I have both been shocked by our energy levels and the effects so far.

Yay! for having a life that's like a crazy, messy rainbow.  Yay! for eating food that helps us to really see and experience that brightness as much as humanly possible.

Douglas Turns 2!!

Three days after his first day of school, Douglas turned 2!  I can't believe he's a two-year-old already.  Actually, some of his recent behavior does smack of 2, so I guess I'm starting to believe it!

Micah's parents flew in from PA to celebrate Dougie's birthday and meet Timon.  I wanted to do a Curious George party, which I thought would be super easy, but it turns out that that's apparently SO last year, so no party stores had any decorations!  Linda, Micah's mom, jumped in with all her craftiness (as did Micah and his dad, Doug) and we all whipped up a George party in no time!

Linda had had the amazing idea of having a bunch of our family members in PA color George pictures, so we hung those up all along the window.  Cousins Brendan and Logan came over for the celebration wearing Curious George colors and carrying their Curious George stuffed animals. I love this photo because look at their faces...they're like, "Ah, MAN! I totally want a Fireman George like his!"

In the morning, Micah and I serenaded him with Happy Birthday and a huge heart-shaped pumpkin muffin.  A long, long time ago my parents started the tradition in my family of waking us up on Christmas morning (or coming into our bedrooms where we were anxiously waiting for them!) singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas with a glass of delicious OJ (sometimes fresh squeezed) in their hand.  Micah and I carried some version of that over to birthdays without ever even thinking about it.  It just feels like the way you're supposed to wake up on your birthday, I guess!


Grammy and Papap gave Douglas a tool bench which he thinks is pretty badass. He's so cute - he uses it not as a TOY but as a part of his life. He never just plays with it. He'll be going about his business and randomly decide that the high chair needs to be fixed, so he'll whisper to himself, "screw driver" and go get his screw driver or drill and put it right where screws actually go (or at least could go) and work away. Once he's fixed whatever needed fixing, he puts the tool back and goes on his merry way.

It is so much fun seeing Douglas with his grandparents. He freaking LOVES those people! All four of them!  Sadly, none of them live here in town, but even if he hasn't seen one of them in 6 months, his face still lights up when he sees them or hears about them. The second they arrive, it's see-ya-later-Mommy and HELLO Grammy and Papap/Pops!

And so it begins. Our little boy, Curious George himself, is two years old.  Bring it on, Terrible Twos! Just kidding.  Totally kidding.  I'm actually kindof terrified of you, T2s - take it easy on me, will you?!  Seriously.

Douglas Goes to School

Since Timon was born, we've experienced lots of milestones around here.

Douglas went to "school" for the first time ever at the beginning of September.

This is what his hair looked like when he woke up for his first day of school.  I laughed out loud when I walked into his bedroom that morning and saw this masterpiece.  NICE.

His teacher, Miss Sandy, LOVES him.  She said to me a few weeks ago, "He loves people so much, we have to watch him because he wants to go up to everyone and hug them, but sometimes he squeezes too hard!"  When he went through his hitting phase, I told him that we don't hit people, we give hugs and kisses.  So I think now when he's overly excited, he takes that energy and uses it to hug his little heart out instead of hitting.  That's improvement!  Now if we can just teach him that choke holds are not included in the hugging category.

This is what sweet Douglas Thomas looked like on his first day of school.

We ran in to Cousins in the parking lot. Words cannot describe the cuteness of the three of them traipsing across the parking lot with their lunch bags and backpacks ("pack pack" as Douglas calls it) in tow.

 

Douglas loves school. He has gym class and music class. His favorite part of the day is music class. When I ask him how his day was and if he sang any songs, his eyes instantly light up and he starts dancing in his car seat.

He loves it. I love it. Everybody wins!

Sleep Deprived

I wrote this post a week or so ago, but kept wanting to tweak it more before posting it.  I'm posting it as-is now because the feelings and emotions that the post describes are changing with time and I think it's important to be honest about them rather than waiting until they fade away.
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My dear friend said to me on the phone the other day - "It sounds on the blog like everything's going great!"  I laughed and said, "Well, you may have noticed that I haven't posted anything in a couple weeks!"  Her comment made me realize that I needed to post something now - while I'm struggling with adjusting to having two kids, feeling like I'm going crazy at times - instead of waiting until it blows over.

The thing is, I can be a negative person sometimes.  I used to be negative pretty much all the time until I discovered yoga, which made me a more open, light person.  And later, separate from yoga, I experienced a lot of healing in my life in general, which made me a more positive person.  But that old Eeyore voice tries to find its way back to me sometimes, and I don't want to spread that nastiness - that heavy, woe-is-me, life is out to get me, I'm a victim nastiness.  SO, when I'm feeling blah, I tend to get quieter on this blog sometimes because I don't want to pass blah on to you - there's already enough of that going around.

But what I sometimes forget is that there might be other people out there who are feeling the same way that I do and might be afraid to speak up.  And maybe me being honest about my crap will help them to find the voice to say that they are sad or overwhelmed or feel like they're in over their heads and failing.

So, let's just get it out there - I'm not sailing through this whole mom of 2 kids thing.

I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!  

My sweet Mom came to the rescue two weeks ago, so I have gotten lots of sleep and help and encouragement and I am now freaking out much less than I was.

But having two kids is HARD!!  Several friends who have lots of kids have said to me, "oh, yeah, going from one to two is the hardest - you just have to get through it."

I am tired.  And cranky.  I needs lots of sleep - I always have, and now I'm not afraid to say it.  The truth is, I really believe it's just how God made me.  So when my sleep is disrupted, I kind of fall apart.  Then add to that a crazy 2-year-old running all over the place (who quickly learned to take advantage of my weakness when I'm feeding Timon and can't do much about his sneaky antics).  And a tiny munchkin who had some massive digestive issues for the first 6 weeks that make him cry (REALLY LOUDLY) and made sleeping difficult for him.   Sometimes it feels like he's yelling AT me, even though I know he's really just trying to get some help and relief by using the only voice he has.  (Thankfully, we found a formula that works better for him, so he is a MUCH happier little man now).

I felt so guilty for having any negative feelings about having 2 kids because we wanted it so badly, we hoped for it, we prayed for it, we waited for it to happen.  And then it did, and I didn't feel like I had the right to complain.  But that's crap.  It's hard, and it's ok to say that.  I love Timon and I'm SO glad that he was born and that he's ours - period.  AND having another child is hard as hell sometimes.

It's hard to discipline Douglas when I'm feeding Timon or he's crying and Douglas is running away from me.  It's hard to do what Timon needs me to do to help him get to sleep when Douglas is in his high chair in the other room whining and crying for Mommy.  As a mom of more than one kid, my attention and my energy are now always being pulled in multiple directions.  And that's taking some serious adjustment.

When I get overwhelmed in life, I tend to shut down sometimes.  I start to feel like I'm floating, which is not a fun way to feel.

I'm attaching this picture because I think it captures how I've felt at times these past couple months.  I look so tired and spacey even though I'm trying to watch and be a part of things.  I didn't even know I was staring off in the distance until I saw this picture and thought, "wow, I look exhausted."

I think a large part of it is also that I am still recovering (and may be for a while) from the trauma of the adoption process.  It was extremely stressful, and many of the emotions were so complex and deep that my body physically didn't know how to let them out.  So, I did my best to be healthy about it - to talk about it, to allow the tears to come if or when they did, to accept where I was.  But I knew all along that I was stuffing a lot of it because I had to, there was no other way my body could deal with it at the time.  Eventually, as with all stuffed emotions, these things need to come up and out.

So for now I'm trying to just accept where I'm at.  Let go of the expectations I have of myself and Timon and Douglas and Micah and motherhood and whatever else I'm placing my own expectations on.  It's hard to do this because I want to be a kind, easy-going, non-screaming mom and person.  I don't want to have a tiny capacity for stress that translates to frequent outbursts or frustration when one thing doesn't go right or when things start to get crazy around here. 

All we can do is be where we are - in this moment.  I can't change the fact that I'm freaking out a lot of the time.  Or that I feel numb and blah and float-ey.  All I can do is nurture and care for myself in this time and let my body and heart do what they need to do.  All I can do is love and embrace Douglas and Timon for who they are today.  And love them the best way that I can today.

So, if you're reading this and you happen to be a mom who's freaking out and doesn't feel like you're "holding it together" right now, please know that you're not alone.  (Btw, what does "holding it together" even mean, anyway?!)  I believe that life is very hard a lot of the time but that it is also breathtakingly beautiful.  And, the truth is, when we bullshit and tell each other that everything's going perfectly and that we've got everything under control, we make each other feel more alone.

And the point is, we are never, ever alone.