Let there be Light

The Advent Calendar is a success so far!  Granted, Douglas is more interested in taking things out of the pockets and putting them back in than he is in what the card actually says, but - whatevs.  He'll get it more next year.  The nice thing about the fact that he's so young when we're starting this tradition is that it gives me a year to work out some of the kinks - to see how I like it before he really gets it and is devastated when I forget it for a day or when I change plans on him.

It's sometimes hard for me to commit to what we're doing that day, so I have to choose things that I really know we'll be able to swing.  The point of this is not to stress myself out MORE during the holidays.  The point is to enjoy it, to make an effort to seize the day and soak up all the holiday goodness that we can.  And, I must say, this first year has been a raging success in our household.

I think one of the tricks is to not overdo it with the intense activities.  Throw lots of super fun, easy ones in there like Bubble Baths and reading books by the fire - things that you would do sometimes anyway - and maybe spice them up by throwing in some Christmas music or reindeer antlers or hot cocoa or a fire.  Don't wear yourself out trying to do a brand new, novel thing every day!

We've decorated Christmas trees. 

There have been bubble baths and Angel Tree gifts and carpet picnics with popcorn and The Santa Clause movie and cookie-making parties with cousins and breakfast for dinner while listening to Christmas music. 

My friend, Lauren, had a "Frosty Friday" party where the kids made Snowman crafts and then sat on a big blanket and ate snacks while watching Frosty...pretty sure life doesn't really get better than that.  Dougie and I dressed up for the party.  I may or may not have worn cheesy Christmas socks pulled up to my knees...Dougie (after seeing what a gem of an outfit I was wearing) may or may not have asked to borrow another pair of said cheesy socks to pull up to his knees - over his khaki cargo pants.  He topped it all off with Micah's Harley Davidson beanie.  It was a little hard to take ourselves seriously.

We had a picnic dinner by the Christmas tree.  (Where Timon decided he should try sitting up...just for fun).

A local movie theater plays Christmas movies on Saturday morning for the month of December, so we rushed out the door one morning to see Elf. It was Dougie's first time to the theater, and he LOVED it. We figured he'd last 20 minutes, but he sat there, wide-eyed, trying to take it all in for the ENTIRE time.  He spoke only to say "Ho, ho, ho" to Santa on screen. There were free carriage rides afterward, so we braved the cold to "ride the horseys".

I left the random lady in here because I think it's funny knowing that just as she's randomly front and center in our cute family photo, we are no doubt messing up the background of hers that was taken just moments before.

It's so amazing for me to see the magic of this season through a child's eyes. Every day, Douglas looks out our window to see the neighbor's house across the street lit up with all kinds of Christmas decorations. Every single time he sees it, he says "Great JOB, neighbor!" Every. Single. Time. Multiple times a day, 7 days a week. Now sometimes he throws his name in there to change it up. "Great JOB, Kevin!!!" He loves him some Christmas lights. The first time he saw me whip out my pink reindeer pj pants, he looked at me with eyes all wide and sparkly and full of wonder and said, "Wow! Niiice! Douglas reindeer pants??" I love that boy. I love that he shares our love for the holidays, even when it involves being oober dorky and over the top - as in the case of the pink reindeer pants.

It's fun watching Douglas learn about the various Christmas stories now that he's old enough to semi-understand. We have a sing-along Christmas dvd that has The Little Drummer Boy on it. We listen and I tell him about Jesus being born and how the little boy wanted to give him a gift to tell him that he loved him, but he didn't have any money to get him anything. But he had his drum. So he asked if he could play him a song. Yesterday while we watched it, Douglas whispered, "Douglas drum" and ran to get his little drum. He brought it back and started playing on it. He had his eyes closed (they were all squinty because apparently it's tricky to close your eyes and concentrate at the same time) and the most hilarious expression on his face as he played his drum. I asked him if he was playing a song for Jesus and he said yes. I then looked at the video and realized that the drummer boy had his eyes closed when he was playing for Jesus - so apparently Dougie decided that's how songs for Jesus are meant to be played.

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones - and to those who have no loved ones to call their own. May we all encounter the Light that conquers all darkness - and may that Light fill us up from the tops of our heads to the tips of our toes.

As I wrote the above paragraph, these words came into my mind. So I guess they're for you.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
- Romans 15:13

Holiday Musings, Part 2 - Motley Crew of Cards

The main blog that I read, which I've mentioned before, is Momastery.  A month or so ago, she wrote this post about the holidays.  She encouraged people who have more to share with those who have less this year.  And those who have less to be brave enough to ask for help.  She quoted a bible verse that talks about people sharing everything that they have.  The post really hit me...well, the post and reading the comments where people posted their needs or their desire to help someone.  Glennon, the blogger, paired up needs with gifts, and amazing things happened.

Douglas admiring his own personal Christmas tree in his bedroom - a tradition that I LOVE that my mom started when we were kids.

I cried when I saw what was going on.  I knew that I wanted to be a part of it, to help somehow, but I didn't know how - I decided to wait and listen.  I mentioned it to Micah and he was on board.  Below is the e-mail that I sent to Glennon about what went down:

Glennon. 

I tried to post a comment (I was super embarrassed to post it, but thought it was important to be vulnerable so everyone can see the MULTIPLE facets of this love fest of blessings goin' on here.)  But, alas, I'm long winded, so it was too long to post.  It wouldn't accept all my characters.  Go figure.

I said in an earlier comment that I'd wait to see how I was supposed to be involved in this.  I asked and listened.  God told me $300 ...I knew it was him because he's so random like that.  I told my husband today and he was a little shocked and said we don't have that extra $ right now and that's kindof a lot.  But that we would make it work if I really felt it was what God was asking.  I said we'll talk about it later.  We just adopted our second son and as with most adoptions there's not much $ left over afterward.  So things are tight.  Not scary tight at all, but just tighter than we usually are in the "extra" category.

I hung up and was discouraged.  I looked in our envelopes (we do the cash system and have envelopes of cash for the categories) to see if I could scrounge up $300 and fell way short...I had almost expected there to be exactly $300 extra in there bc that's how I know God works sometimes.  Then I heard God telling me to look at my gift cards.  NO.  NOT MY GIFT CARDS.  I have a wallet full of store credits and gift cards.  I rarely, if ever, use them.  I love them.  They are my rainy day fund.  Husband doesn't know or care if or when I use them, so it's all just treat money!  But I hoard them.  I never use them.  Some have been there for years.  In part bc I forget them.  But mostly I think it's for the same reason anyone hoards - because we're afraid God won't provide, so we're trying to protect ourselves. 

I got out the cards and reluctantly began to call to get the amounts on all of them.  Then I added them up.  Just over $300.  Hmm.  I then sat there (this is so embarrassing) and tried to fenagle my way into keeping some of them.  "Gap?  C'mon!  I want to keep it so I can get my littles those precious long sleeve waffle tees to wear under cute t-shirts in the winter!  C'MON!!!"  Nope.  I seriously tried to find some way to make it work to where I could keep some.  I felt the Spirit gently smiling at me and saying, "Let go.  Let them go."  I thought of the fact that I don't need these cards.  Other people NEED. THESE. CARDS.  And they've been sitting in my wallet collecting dust when someone else could have been enjoying the fruit of them all this time.

So, if you'll accept (I kindof know you will because you're quirky and open to quirky things like that I'm guessing) a total MOTLEY CREW of cards, I've got 'em.  Gap.  Target.  Babies R Us.  Janie and Jack.  Sams.  And the amounts are RANDOM because lots of them are store credit.  $66.69.  $19.26.  Random crap, I'm telling you.  Want 'em?  If you say no, I'll think, "hmm...MAYBE, God, you just wanted me to go through the exercise, but you don't really want me to give them away?..."  Just kidding.  No part of me thinks this was just an exercise.  Or that you'll say no to funky contributions.  But, just know, the people receiving these cards may think it's weird.  I mean, Janie and Jack for $28.12? 

I just wanted you to know how MULTI MULTI (x a million) faceted the amazing blessings of this project are, Glennon.  Here I am in Kansas and God's using this to a) speak directly to me which I totally love when he does that b) grow my faith by showing me that YES I actually heard him when he said $300 and c) to heal another wounded part of me where I somehow believe the lie that he won't provide for us and so I keep a rainy day fund of gift cards just in CASE he doesn't show up when I need him to.  It feels GOOD to let go.  My wallet is so light and fluffy after The Big Card Dump.

Thank you.  Truly.  I know you know it's a blessing to give - even bigger than to receive.  But I wanted you to know HOW much of a blessing this particular time of giving was for me.

So please send me your address so I can send this hilarious envelope of cards.

Ginger

I posted this to illustrate the point that we all have areas of our lives where we are holding on too tightly.  Hoarding.  Areas that we are protecting.  And if we will let our guards down a little bit, God might just look us square in the face and lovingly say, "It's time.  This isn't really yours in the first place.  Let it go.  Make room."  My intense attachment to my gift card stash came as a complete surprise to me.  I knew I hoarded them and didn't use them, but I never knew how hard it would be for me to give them away.  I mean, I'm telling you - I seriously sat there for 30 minutes trying to find a combination of the cards that added up to $300 and somehow left me with a gift card or two to spend.  After a while, I actually started laughing at the hilarity of what I was doing.  Sick, really.

And the thing is - these areas where we hold on so tightly?  They're killing us a little bit at a time.  Keeping us from real life and joy and freedom.

I am still very much in the early stages of of attempting (and feeling compelled) to stop hoarding.  One look at my closet would let you know that.  So don't get me wrong - I love me some presents.  I love me some clothes and all kinds of other crap.  I'm a work in progress.

I'm trying to figure out what all of this means for me.  Micah and I are trying to figure out what all of this means for our family.  And especially for our family around Christmastime.  How will we incorporate these principles that we care about into our lives and our traditions?  How should we do gifts?  Do we make them all?  Knit them out of wool from a lamb we keep in our back yard?...(j/k - for now at least!).  Do we commit to giving no more than three gifts to our kids - who we give NONE to now because they're too young to care?

This is what I know.  As a culture, we are obsessed with stuff and it is super addicting.  I never, ever would have told you that I was that attached to my silly gift cards - until I was asked to give them away.  I would venture to say that the vast majority of us have way more things than we know how to love - WAY MORE.  Having all of this stuff causes mental and emotional stress, even if we don't think it does, even if we don't know it's there.  I sometimes literally feel like there is a physical weight from it all, and it makes me feel claustrophobic. 

So this is what I'm going to do about it.  I'm going to keep asking the questions and keep talking with Micah about it until we find a way that works for our family.  And it will probably be different than the way that works for you or your family.  We all have different needs, different things that work.  I'm going to keep asking myself all the time, "Do I know how to love this?"  And if I don't, I will let it go.  I will ask the same about Douglas and Timon before buying them more and more stuff.  I'm going to remind myself that there are so very many people out there who are in great need today.  Holding on to this stuff I don't know how to love is directly robbing someone else of the opportunity to love it very, very much.

I think we could all stand to lighten our load a little bit (or a LOT) this holiday season.  Pass things on to someone else.  Clear space in our homes and our lives and our minds.  More space means more love and blessings and light can enter in.  And I say Joy to the World to THAT.

Holiday Musings, Part 1

Rachel Remen, in her book My Grandfather's Blessings, tells a story about a little boy who LOVED Hot Wheels.  She loved this little boy, and his parents didn't have much money.  So Remen, with the help of her staff at the medical clinic she ran, gave him every single Hot Wheel car there was.  And he stopped playing with them.   She asked him why he wasn't playing with them anymore.  "He looked away and in a quivery voice he said, 'I don't know how to love this many cars, Rachel."

I loved this story the moment I read it.  I've seen this happen with my nephews and with Douglas.  When they get too much of something, they stop loving it.

I now ask myself very frequently if I know how to love something.  I will be standing in my closet and a shirt will catch my eye.  "Do I know how to love this shirt?"  So often, the answer is no.  It's an ok shirt.  There's nothing wrong with it.  If you asked me for an explanation of WHY this shirt deserved to get kicked to the curb, I wouldn't be able to give you one.  I used to think something had to not fit me or be really out of style or super un-flattering to warrant the Goodwill pile.  Now I know that even if it's cute and fits, I may just not know how to love it.

I have always been a little bit of a hoarder.  Not a scary hoarder...apparently there's a show on now called "Hoarders" and it sounds CREEPY.  That's not what I mean by hoarding here.  But I have a hard time giving things away.  I worry that I'll wish I had x sweater two months after dropping it off at Goodwill.  I love having clothes that I feel cute in, and I tend to like variety.  This can get very, very out of hand.  When Micah and I got married, he counted my jeans (cute, right?!) and I had something like 12 or 13 pair.

A few years ago,  I learned about one of the principles of yoga that is called Aparigraha, or non-hoarding.  I remember reading something that said that hoarding means you don't trust God to provide for you.  It also talked about how selfish it is to hoard, because the things could be used and loved by someone else instead of sitting in our closet untouched.  In time, I have come to understand how true this all is.  I selfishly keep this shirt in my closet that I don't wear much, that I don't know how to love, when someone else could be wearing it, LOVING it right now - if I would only let it go.  But I keep it because I mistakenly believe the lie that it's up to me to make sure that I have enough - to prepare for the unforeseen circumstances of the future.  God may not bring something else around when I need it.

This, of course, is crap.  If I don't know how to love it NOW, someone else does.  I should let them love it.  Let it go.  If I don't know how to love it now, it is just weighing me down.