Expanding

We met Nicole, the baby's birth mother, over the weekend.  Meeting her was great.  She is a lovely person with a soft voice, a very sweet spirit, and a kind heart.  She was easy to talk to, and we had a great two-hour dinner with her.

The next day was Easter.  We went to a church that my family goes to in Dallas.  I sat down in my seat feeling tired on all levels.  That Mushy Brain thing has persisted, and I can't even seem to remember to bring Douglas' "snack cup" on outings - this cup is his BFF that he loves with all his heart, and he likes to have it in his hands basically full-time.  (He's like his mama...one of my long-time nicknames from Micah is "Snacky").

I had resigned myself to the fact that this was going to be one of those Easters where the spiritual meaning of the holiday is totally lost on me, where I am so busy or distracted with other things that I go through the entire month/week/day of this season without tuning in to any deeper meaning or celebration.  And I was ok with this.  I felt no false guilt about it nor any need to try to force it.

So I sat down in this behemoth church in Dallas and expected nothing from it - and that was ok with me.  The service started with the lights out, beautiful candlelight, and the boistrous voice of a woman reading scripture.  Then they turned the lights on and the entire choir started singing the Hallelujah Chorus.  I love this song - it gives me goosebumps every single time I hear it.  I sang it in choir in highschool and loved every minute of it.

I have never in my life heard the Hallelujah Chorus on Easter.  I have no idea why.  It's not like it's just a Christmas song.  All I know is, it completely rocked my world.  In an instant I was reduced to a puddle of tears.  I was a hot mess.  And these were not the nice, tear-filled-eyes kind of tears.  I'm talkin' snot dripping, tears streaming, sobs rising kind of crying where you really aren't sure if you're going to be able to stop yourself from pretty much wailing and making a big scene.  (I did make a small scene, btw, but not a big one).

I cried through the whole thing.  And through a few more songs.  I have cried a lot of times in my life, though I'm not the classic "Cryer."  But I have only cried this kind of cry two times in my life, and both of them have been in this second adoption process.  The cry I'm talking about is one where I don't feel sadness at all, and yet it's different than the Happy Tears I've had before.  There is a heaviness and a mourning, but not sadness.  There is a hope and a joy, but not happiness.  And there is very little thinking that goes on when I have "these" cries.  It's apart from my humanity, from my mind - it is totally in the realm of my soul and spirit.  It's a really strange feeling...and amazing.

I had Nicole in mind as I cried.  I wasn't thinking about details or about certain things about her, I just had her in my heart as the tears spilled over.  Her loneliness, her grief, her fear, her youth, her pain, her hopelessness.  And, at the same time, her hope, her faith, her perserverence, her courage, her bravery.

I have cried for a lot of reasons in my life - most often when I experience pain or when others around me do.  But, again, this time it felt so different.  The Hallelujah Chorus is a song of such celebration - I would even say it's one of the ultimate songs of joy and celebration and triumph and victory.  In the context of that beautiful, amazing song, it was like my heart just opened up and cried out for Nicole.

I think this might be the difference between sympathy and compassion.  Sympathy is what I've felt countless times throughout my life for other people.  But compassion is different.  And I think in that moment my heart opened up to compassion.  It was this raw outpouring of emotion that was totally separate from my mind.  My mind had nothing to do with it, nor was it even thinking much at all at the time.  But somehow I knew what I was crying about.  Not happy or sad tears, just tears that represent raw emotion.  I've always thought tears had to be one or the other, but these felt birthed from both.

In my mind, I feel sympathy for Nicole - sorry for her.  For her lot in life so far, for her pain, for her situation.  In my mind I also feel threatened by her - whether she will stick with her decision or change her mind and thus cause us much pain.

But in my heart, at that moment, I learned that I feel compassion for her.  It almost felt like I was crying on her behalf - crying out to God to give her peace and hope and comfort.  Starting the service with the Hallelujah Chorus gave it such a joyful, hopeful feel.  In that moment, basking in the reality of history's most amazing display of hope in the midst of darkness, I longed for her to feel true hope.  The breathtakingly beautiful truth is that, in spite of and in the midst of all her pain, there is so much hope for her.  There is always, always hope.

I want her to know that Jesus loves her so incredibly much, and that He will never, ever leave her - that she is never alone.  These are the same things that we have always wanted Douglas and our future children to know, even when they are far away, in another woman's belly.

It was a very emotional hour for me.  It is hard to describe because it was such a spiritual experience, not a literal one.  It felt like an opening of my heart.  A very raw, very real moment where it felt like my chest opened and my heart wept with hope and sorrow at the same time for this child who has a child in her belly.  I guess that's what compassion feels like.  It is intense.

And these couple times when I've felt this way, the experience is totally separate from my own human power or will - they happen completely in spite of me.  Maybe being where I'm at right now in this process - vulnerable, exposed, mushy-brained, powerless - has its perks.  Though I felt completely worn out after this experience, I somehow also felt lighter, more connected to reality, and full of peace and hope - the very things that I pray God will fill Nicole with.

Easter is about hope and victory over darkness.  Somehow, that reality has taken on another dimension for me after having those moments where I was fully present to this pain and fear and loneliness that exists and yet filled with and surrounded by all the joy and hope and celebration of Life conquering death.

Death Grip

I seem to be putting all of my anxiety and worry about this adoption into trying to hold all of the details together.  Yesterday, feeling worn out, I sat outside and had a good cry sesh and listened over and over - and over - to a song called "Hope for the Hopeless" by A Fine Frenzy.  It's on the playlist at the bottom of this page (song #34).  Check it out.  I love it.  I love music and the way that it speaks to the soul.

I have been carrying a burden that is not mine this whole adoption process - all of these details that are not mine to deal with or figure out, but I can't seem to let go of.  I know that I need to let go and let the professionals do their jobs, but for some reason it's been really difficult for me to do that.  And, the problem is, I'm not good at those details anyway.  So I walk around with all this stress because I feel like I'm dropping a lot of balls that I'm supposed to be keeping in the air - even though a) I'm totally not the one who's supposed to be juggling them, and b) I'm really not good at juggling those types of things anyway.  So, you can see my predicament.  I'm putting pressure on myself to do something that I don't need to do and that I'm pretty bad at doing, so I constantly feel like I'm failing or missing something.  Thus, my exhaustion.  My brain is mushy like brains tend to get when demands are placed on them that are inappropriate in both content and quantity.

I am going to try to let go of my death grip on all of the details of this process (which, by the way, I know nothing about).  Micah had a good laugh last night pointing out the fact that I think that I know better than these people whose life work is to do these things.  They are trained professionals.  Lawyers, adoption agency workers, social workers.  But somehow I feel pretty certain that they need me to make sure they're doing everything right.  Umm...what do I know about the legal side of the adoption process?!  This is ridiculous.  I know.  But, so far, I can't seem to stop myself!  I want to make sure that no one misses any details that are important.  I don't know what that might be, but there's no way I'm going to let them miss it.

One of the many difficult things about the adoption process is that you have to trust strangers to do everything right.  If they miss certain details, it could be a big problem.  As with any legal process, you have to get it right.

So, you are forced to trust these people who you don't know with something so incredibly huge and emotional and intense.  I'm not good at this.  I'm bossy.  I oftentimes think I probably know better than _____ (insert name.  Doctor.  Lawyer.  Husband (who coincidentally thinks he knows better than me).  Parents).  I recently came home from a dermatologist appointment telling Micah I was sure that the doctor had been wrong about a sun spot on my back, that he must not have known what he was talking about.  The man has been a dermatologist for like 35 years.

I know, it's a sickness I have.  And I don't really think so highly of myself as to think that I know more than everyone else.  Seriously.  It's just hard for me to let go and trust the experts.  This whole control freak thing always catches me off guard.  I don't think of myself as a control freak.  I don't think I've always been one.  But, the older I get, the more I realize that I'm way more control freakish than I give myself credit for.  Especially when I'm emotional and out of my comfort zone.  It ain't pretty.

And I know that trying to control the details is just a manifestation of my worry and fear about the adoption.  Maybe if I let go a little bit, the real emotions behind all of this can be dealt with and released.  The truth, of course, is that I don't have to trust these strangers to "get it right."  I have to trust the Father to get it right - and He always does.  I frequently lose sight of this and channel all of my nervous energy into managing all of the surface level details.  In reality, God knows who our child is, and only that child will end up as part of our family forever - and there is nothing that Micah or I or the lawyers or social workers or Nicole can do to mess that up.  Nothing.

So, let it be known that I know I have a problem with letting go, and this adoption process is no exception to that.  But I want to let go (correction: part of me wants to let go - the other part is hanging on for dear life).  I know that this is yet another life experience that gives me the opportunity to live in the truth that things are not on my shoulders - that this isn't all up to me - or even partially up to me.  That I can let go and rest and spend my time and energy on something else...like enjoying life!  Seems like a pretty good tradeoff.

Here's hoping I find the strength to loosen my death grip on all of these things that aren't even mine to hold on to.  Here's hoping I find a way to let go and live in freedom out from under the weight of all that is not mine to carry.

 

Cousins

Lessons from the Garden

Micah and I are total novice gardeners.  This is the third year we've tried gardening, but only the second that we've really tried in earnest.  So we pretty much always learn as we go - oftentimes the hard way.

Here are some of the things I've learned in the garden these past few days.

black gold.

The compost bin that we made a couple years ago (and by we I mean Micah) and have devotedly put our kitchen scraps and grass clippings into may look like total crap and like it's doing absolutely nothing - but somehow, just beneath the surface that on all sides looks awful, is that black gold that you hear die-hard gardeners talk about all the time.  Who knew?!  Literally, the entire thing, which looked like nothing, is filled with amazing compost for our garden.  Love it.  Instead of our food scraps sitting in a land fill creating carbon monoxide, they are now part of this amazing soil that's nourishing our growing veggies.  We're getting a new-fangled composter next week that will look less ugly and will compost much faster - thanks, Mom and Dad!

mulch uglifier.

Soil Acidifiers with Iron in them stain your gorgeous Cedar mulch!  So, the garden that once looked like this

suddenly looked like this after I diligently - I was so proud of myself - added the acidifier to the soil (which apparently is the thing to do for KS gardens). It looked like that movie Pleasantville when some people are in color and some are still in black and white. 

Lots of mixing and mulch-adding later, it's on the road back to pretty again.  I like pretty gardens - I can't help it.  It's hard enough to see our gorgeous spring garden turn into a less gorgeous summer garden filled with tomato cages (I know this is a total novice gardener thing to say)...gray mulch was not something I was willing to stand for. 

free labor.

4-year-old nephews are great mulch spreaders (and plant waterers) and super fun to have in the garden with you.

carrot overcrowding.

Turns out, they really mean what they say on the seed packets when they say to space them out.  I don't know if you know much about gardening, but this is too many carrot sprouts.  About 100X more than is appropriate or wise.  Whatevs.  I can't stop myself from doing this.  Even when I try, what starts out as a very disciplined, rule-following planting ends in me sprinkling the remainder of the packet over the top of my discipline.  I can't stand to waste the seeds, so atop they go!  It will getcha later, though, when you have to thin them out (a very tedious job) or watch them all wither and die because they're too close to grow.

accessories.

I like to dress up for activities whenever possible - it makes things more fun.  Micah and I have "bowling shirts" that we made, complete with sewn on name tags "Lottie" and "Weaverton"... we bowl about once every four years, but we look like total Bowling Rockstars when we show up in those things!

Sometimes it's just more fun to garden when you wear theme-appropriate attire.  Just sayin'.

Gardening gloves?  Well, suddenly gardening has gone chic.  I found these gloves at Home Depot and couldn't believe my eyes.  I got the ones on the right and I love them with all my heart.

(FYI, I googled these gloves and they're on Amazon for $50!!  That is NOT what I paid for them - I paid $10 at Home Depot).

Last garden accessory lesson of the day - the gardening kneeling pad is totally worth the six bucks.

Safe Cleaning Supplies, Homemade

Alright you little Mad Scientist, you!  Time for some fun recipes for homemade cleaning supplies.  This is going to be easy and fast, and I think you'll love it!  These recipes are basic - using basic ingredients - just like Grandma used to.  And there are only 5 main recipes + 2 for carpet cleaning.  Simple.

For dishwasher detergent and dish soap, I still recommend that you stick with a natural brand that you like (see my other post for ideas for these).  Same goes for laundry detergent.

When it comes to homemade cleaning supplies, Vinegar rocks.  Seriously, it's amazing.  It kills mold and bacteria and is non-toxic!  Vinegar has a strong smell, as we all know, but when it dries, the smell will dissipate.  If you hate it that much, you can add essential oils to any of your cleaning recipes and they will make it smell yummier while helping in the cleaning process.

The beauty of these recipes is that they are NON-TOXIC.  Seriously.  We let Douglas help make the All Purpose Surface Scrub, which is super fun because the vinegar makes the mixture fizz!

Well, he ate a little.  Shocker.  He eats "a little" of everything.  Micah and I were sitting RIGHT THERE with him, mind you.  But he's a quick one!  Anyway, he did not like the taste at all.  But that was it.  No panic, no trauma about him eating toxic nastiness.  I reveled in the fact that my little tester had proven the worry-free part of natural cleaning to be true.

Buy a few spray bottles and go to town!  Just make sure you label them.  I put a piece of tape on the bottle, then with Sharpie I write down either what it is or how I made it.

The Basics

All-Purpose Vinegar Spray (sinks, toilets, counters, appliances, etc.)
-- You can also use the Glass/Mirror Cleaner for All Purpose uses

Basic Recipe
1 part Vinegar
2 parts Water
2 T. Baking Soda

Dissolve Baking soda in a little bit of warm water.  Pour into squirt bottle.  Slowly add Vinegar (it will fizz, remember?!), then add the water and shake.

 * This is on the stronger side.  You may want to start with less Vinegar and work your way up until you find an amount that suits you.  Some recipes call for as little as 1/2 c. Vinegar in a squirt bottle filled with water (though, to me, that seems like you're basically just rubbing water on your counters!).  Just see what works for you.

Add to Basic Recipe if you want to get fancy schmancy:
* More Vinegar (you probably won't need to, but for intense jobs you may...)
* More Water to make it weaker (if the smell is too strong for you).
* a small squirt of natural liquid dish soap or Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap (Target sells it, and I love the lavender one!) to help with cleaning and for a nice smell.
* 15 or more drops of essential oil to make it smell nice (citrus works well - try lemon, orange, grapefruit - as does lavender).

**Caution: Don't use Vinegar on marble

Floor Cleaner

1 c. Vinegar
1 gal. Warm Water

* Add a small amount of Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap or your natural dish soap diluted in water to the above recipe for a nice smell and a little extra cleaning help.

Note: Castile Soap has a slightly strange smell - it takes some getting used to.  If you don't like it, use your natural dish soap instead.

All-Purpose Scrub (can be used on showers, sinks, counters, toilets, etc.)
Pour Baking Soda into a bowl, add natural dish soap or Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap (my recommendation) until very thick paste forms, then add Vinegar until desired consistency.  Add Lavender or Tea Tree essential oil if desired (you won't need to if you use Castile Soap which already has essential oils in it).

You can't go wrong here - just add slowly until you get the right consistency.  (I tried making this ahead of time and putting it in a travel shampoo bottle.  It worked, but it does leak a tiny bit, I think because of the effervescence of the vinegar/baking soda combo).

* For tougher dirt, first rub vinegar onto the area, then rub with paste.
* For mold, use Vinegar full strength

Window / Mirror Cleaner

1/4 c. Vinegar
Several chunks of lemon peel (take peeler and just peel a few chunks off the lemon, don't add any juice)
Fill the rest of the spray bottle with water

Dusting Spray

1 t. Olive Oil
1/2 c. Vinegar

* Shake and spray onto the rag you're dusting with

Special Situations

Carpet Stain Remover

1 part Vinegar
2 parts Warm Water

Carpet Deoderizer

Add a few drops of essential oil (optional) to Baking Soda.  Sprinkle on carpet and vacuum it up.

Other Tips:

- Lemon/orange peels in disposal for a fresh scent and to clean disposal
- Put lemons in sink and steep in boiling water to remove stains in white Corian sinks

Safe Cleaning Supplies, The First Step

Ok - I haven't totally forgotten about the Spring Cleaning Goes Green posts I started!  I'm ready to get back after it today.

So, if you want to Green Up your cleaning supplies, there are lots of ways to do that.  One is the way that I've found that works for me so far, and all it takes is making a couple homemade concoctions and then picking up the rest of these green cleaning supplies at your health food store (some are at Target).  This method is fast and efficient, but truth be told, it still leaves something to be desired.  Though these greener cleaning agents are much better than the chemical-laden alternative, some of them still have ingredients that are less than ideal - fragrance, for example.  So, this is a first step...and if this is as far as you go, then hats off to you for making a change!

The next step will get you to a place where your cleaning cabinet isn't even dangerous for a kid to taste test anymore.  Now that's what I'm talkin' about!  The "next step" requires a little more work because all of the items are homemade. But by a little work I mean like 5 minutes. It won't take long or be hard. And it's what I'm going to do once I find the bottom of the bottles of the store-bought green cleaning products I have under the sink right now.  And this second way is WAY cheaper, too, so everybody wins.

I know that some of you will never make your own baking soda paste to scrub your sinks with, so for you lovely people I've got Option 1 - Ginger's Current Selections (below).  The next post will be about the homemade approach that, again, is cheaper and really easy.

Btw, I love that I now only use a handful of cleaning supplies.  Nobody needs fifty bottles of cleaning paraphernalia under the sink!

1.) Window/Mirror Cleaner (I love this stuff)
Recipe from naturemoms.com
- 1/4 c. Vinegar (White)
- Several sections of Lemon Peel (no juice, just take a peeler and peel off 3-5 chunks of peel and put them in the bottle)
- Fill the rest of your spray bottle with water

2.) All-Purpose Cleaner - sinks, countertops, floors, etc.
I like Ecover and Mrs. Meyer's (MM has yummy essential oil scents) concentrated All-Purpose Cleaner.  I dilute them for a counter/sink spray, and I also use these for mopping (you'll see directions for how much to add/gallon of water on the bottle).

3.) Sink/Shower Scrub
Mrs. Meyer's Surface Scrub (Geranium scent is yummy!).  This stuff smells good and works like a charm!  No elbow grease needed here.  Phosphate and Chlorine-free.  Has some bleach in it (non-chlorine), just FYI.

4.) Toilet Bowl Cleaner 
Ecover - smells like the forest!  This one smells a little more intense than I like, but it works.

5.) Dusting Spray (dusting sprays are oober toxic, so find another way...this way works well for me)
1/2 c. Vinegar
1 t. Olive Oil

Put it in a sprayer, shake well, and spray onto the rag you're dusting with.

6.) Dishwashing Detergent
Alright, people, this is one thing that I do not recommend you try making on your own.  Or, if you do, just don't blame me for the results!  We tried for months to find a homemade solution that worked for us, and all we ended up with, 5 attempts later, was super foggy, nasty looking glasses.  I tried Method Smarty Dish (tablets) from Target (and other places), and it works great!  Not as greenerific as a homemade one would be, but foggy dishes are just nasty.  So this one is the best option I've found.  I've tried 7th Generation also, and that didn't work well for us at all.  Mrs. Meyers worked better but not great.  (We have very hard water, so you may find that you have better luck with homemade detergent than I did).

7.) Dish Soap
Seventh Generation Natural Dish Liquid (Target sells it now and it's cheap there!)  I love the "Lavender Floral and Mint" one.

8.) Carpet Cleaner
I used Mrs. Meyer's, but they don't seem to sell it anymore (not a good sign for my carpet cleaner bottle!).  So, I don't have much to offer here.  Try Biokleen Carpet and Rug Shampoo...they're a reputable company.  Or, make your own (directions in the next post).

9.) Bleach
Seventh Generation Free and Clear Chlorine Free Bleach.  Don't use products that contain chlorine bleach.  This one has no chlorine, perfumes, or dyes.

Free Bird

Last night I saw a bird with huge wings flying high in the sky.  It was at the end of a long, tiring day, and I was super cranky.  I watched this bird as it flew, and I felt envious.  It was truly beautiful to watch.  It would flap its wings a few times, then simply ride the wind, wings outstretched - it looked so restful, so right.  The bird wasn't fighting against the wind.  It simply rode it.  And when it needed a little push, it sent those beautiful wings up and down a few more times.  I envied its grace and peace.  Even today, I have had the image of that bird in my mind numerous times.

Yogic tradition talks about finding the balance between effort and ease in a yoga posture and in life.  This bird seemed to have found that balance as it flew.  It is not an easy balance to find.

This past week I've been living way too much on the effort side of that equation, and it is exhausting.  On the one hand, it is so important for me to fight the temptation to protect myself and hold back with this adoption.  I fully, whole-heartedly believe this and have seen this to be true.  This is the effort part - the work.  And it is vital.  We have to flap our wings from time to time.  Otherwise, we would all just be letting life happen to us rather than choosing how we want to live it. 

My natural tendency in this labor of waiting is self-protection.  I have a very busy 19-month-old to distract me full-time.  That distraction makes it very easy for me to just coast through this without engaging mentally or emotionally with what's going on - to just let these 4 months go by without choosing to love and risk.  Because of this, I have to work even harder to choose to check into the game, to put myself out there and choose to prepare for the birth of our second baby in every way possible.  This feels like more work than it did with Douglas.

The biggest reason for this seems to be that preparing for a second child is totally different - everyone has told me this, whether biological or adoptive parents.  You're so focused on your little one that it's hard to really prepare for Little One II.  And even when you do prepare, it looks nothing like it did with your first child.  This is normal.  But because we are adopting, I put all of this added pressure on myself to prepare emotionally.  I feel like I have to work hard - I can't just say, "Oh, it's #2.  He's in my belly, so he's fine.  He'll know I love him.  He'll be ok."  I tend to believe (chronically) that things are on my shoulders...ultimately, I know that the Father is the only one who can and will let this precious baby know that He (and we) love him...but I put a lot of pressure on myself to work hard at this.

It also is hard to let the reality of what's going on sink in, because I don't have physical changes in my body to shout at me that "THINGS ARE CHANGING!!!  A BABY IS COMING!!"

The flip side of the effort is ease.  And it's equally important.  Without it there can be no balance.  Ease is being where I am at today.  This is another yoga lesson that I tell my students all the time.  Accept where you are.  Acknowledge it without judgment and move on.  "What you resist persists".  Stop focusing all of your attention on what you don't want.  One of my amazing sisters-in-law, Katie, encouraged me not to put so much pressure on myself to feel a certain way.  She said that all of this is part of this amazing thing I'm going through.  It's all good.  She said to just feel it all.  Experience it all.  Be present.

I feel like I've spent the past week or so trying to get somewhere rather than being present today and just feeling whatever I feel and letting that be ok.  I think this is why I envy that bird floating beautifully in the breeze.  If I picture myself as a bird right now, I picture a little bird flapping its wings like crazy, going in the opposite direction of the wind.  Fighting like a fish trying to swim upstream.  When I saw that bird something in my soul cried out, "That's all I want!  That's what I'm meant to do!"  It made me realize that Katie was really, really right.  I was fighting way too hard, making way too much effort.  I knew this at the time, but I still felt too guilty about not feeling a certain way about our baby, so I fought it for a few more days (and, knowing me, I will continue to fight it on and off for quite some time!).  But this isn't the way that I want to live.  That beautiful display of grace that I saw yesterday is the balance of effort and ease...and that's how I want to live.

So here is an attempt to be where I am at today - to acknowledge the emotions that I feel without judgment.  It is also an attempt to stay blatantly honest on this blog.  I wrote about how love is a choice and that I always want to choose love.  But I want you to know that it's hard as hell for me and it doesn't always go well.

I feel sad because I don't feel as giddy and freakishly excited in the same ways that I did before Douglas was born.  I feel guilty because I go hours at a time sometimes without even thinking about the fact that we're having a baby in 4 months.  I feel afraid because I think, "Well, maybe the reason I'm not feeling attached yet or not able to wrap my head around this as much as last time is because this isn't going to work."  Most of all, I feel afraid that my baby doesn't or won't know that I love him - that he feels all alone because I'm distracted and not feeling the love yet the way that I want to.  (I know that this doesn't even make sense, but fear never heeds logic or truth).

Judging and fighting these emotions is what makes me feel like the crazy bird flapping furiously against the wind.  I need to let myself be where I am at today.  I need to accept the emotions, feel them, and at the same time open myself to loving this baby and preparing for him.  In time.  And in ways that feel natural.  And what feels natural will be different this time than it was last time.  And that's ok.

So I'm going to try to be like that bird.  More ease, much less effort.  Ridin' the wind, baby.

Vote With Your Dollars...a Greentabulous Pep Talk

It can be daunting, this Green Journey.  It's overwhelming at times when you realize how many things are wrong today and how much would have to be done to right the ship.  It can also be overwhelming thinking of all of the ways that you can change your daily life to be more Green.  You can eat organically, get rid of a lot of the chemicals you're using in your home, plant a garden, start recycling...there are so many options!  Don't get overwhelmed.  Just pick somewhere to start and dive in.  There is a phrase in Spanish that I love - "paso a paso".  Step by step.  One step at a time.  Every little bit counts.

And just because you make some changes doesn't mean that you have to change everything.  You can still eat fast food.  You can still fertilize your lawn.  Micah and I still do a lot of things that aren't Green.  We try to find alternatives whenever possible (when we have the motivation), but we don't beat ourselves up about it in the meantime.  And there may be things that you never want to give up or change.  That's ok!  Even changing one little thing will help.

Unfortunately, living clean and healthy doesn't in any way come with a guarantee.  Your friend who eats McDonald's every single day of her life might end up living a longer, healthier life than you do.  The world is a crazy place, and God is mysterious, so there are no guarantees.  Ever.  But that doesn't mean that you should choose to eat McDonald's every day of your life.   It's not about a guarantee.  It's about feeling better today.  Making choices about how you want to live today.  Do your best with the information that you have.  Make the best decision possible.

If you want to make some changes, do it because it feels good to make them, knowing that you are doing your part to make your home and your planet and your body a better place.  Do it because you like working toward something good.  Do it because you can make a difference and that feels empowering.

It's not easy - ever.  It pretty much always costs more, takes more work, or is more difficult to make this choice.  Hopefully this won't always be the case.  Hopefully one day we will go back to how it was 50 years ago, when fruits and vegetables were cheaper than the new-fangled junk food was.  Find options that work for your budget - if eating organically isn't an option financially, then maybe start with making your own non-toxic cleaning supplies to decrease the burden you're putting on your body and the environment (post coming soon).  Or start with just a few organic foods.  Again, just start somewhere.  I intend to continue to post ideas about options for Going Green for those of you who need some brain-storming help.

A yoga teacher named Judith Lasater said this at a workshop a couple years ago, and it totally stuck with me: "Vote with your dollars".  Remember that every time you buy something you are voting for the existence of that thing.  You are telling the makers of that thing that you like it and are willing to spend your hard-earned money on it.  Vote for something life-giving and good.  When I'm paying way more for organic produce or something local, I remind myself "I'm voting with my dollars."  And it's worth it.  This is the biggest way that I can stand up and make a difference in this broken system of ours.

And if any of you reading this are thinking, "Oh, great, more hippie-dippie Go Green propaganda", I want to encourage you to reconsider.  In my experience in church growing up, I came away with the sentiment (not that this was overt, but somehow this is what I perceived) that the whole idea of taking care of the planet was a "New Age" idea that was somehow bad.  Isn't that strange?  Isn't it backward?  I mean, if I believe that God created all of this, then why wouldn't I also believe that he wants me to honor and respect the earth, taking care of what he blessed all of us with?

Vote with your dollars, people.  You have a voice.  Use it.

My Greenerific Motivation

It's Spring, and with Spring comes new life - and a renewed desire for a fresh start.  Spring Cleaning time!  These next few posts will be about non-toxic cleaning supplies (both store-bought and homemade).  But first I'll tell you a little bit about a) why I have chosen to make changes in my own life and b) why I think you should consider making some changes of your own (a Pep Talk, if you will).

My journey toward Greenness started four years ago in the midst of health and fertility issues.  With both situations, I desired an alternative to the solutions the doctors were suggesting.  I wanted to know what caused this to happen in the first place rather than just removing the symptoms, which is not a long-term fix.  But I couldn't find anyone to help me pursue alternative solutions.  The only people offering answers were doctors telling me the only options were drugs or surgery. So I did what the doctors recommended, feeling helpless and frustrated that information and help regarding holistic healing weren't available enough for me to have chosen another option.

Throughout those health struggles, I continually learned about alternative medicine's viewpoint on my issues.  I learned about how much our bodies are affected by everything around us.  Chemicals, pesticides, food additives, polluted air.  Everywhere we turn, we are bombarded by these unnatural and harmful things.  We are not meant to live like this.  Our bodies were not made to eat foods made in laboratories.  We were not meant to drink water that's polluted with things like birth control and antidepressants.  We were not meant to eat meat from cows that are living in squalor, injected with hormones, forced to eat things that destroy their internal organs for the sake of making them fatter and feeding them more cheaply (Omnivore's Dilemma or Food Inc.).  Doesn't it make logical sense that these things are harming our bodies?  When you sit back and really think about it, doesn't your gut tell you that this is just wrong?  And that we will suffer for it?  And so will our children?

Micah and I have slowly and steadily changed one or two things at a time over the course of four years, and our lives now look very different than they did when we started.  It has been so fun making these changes.  The whole "sustainable living" movement is in large part about simplicity - getting back to how things used to be before over-consumerism and all the production and drama of today took over (this simplicity is Micah's favorite part).  There is something very healing and centering about eating things that were grown, not concocted in a lab and making homemade cleaning supplies and hanging clothes to dry.  Somehow, it makes me feel more alive.  More present.  More clear-headed and grounded.  It literally feels like getting back to my roots - and that feels freeing.

Love and Risk

Someone once told me that "Love is putting yourself out there, knowing that you could get hurt".  There is always risk involved in love.  But I choose love.  Micah and I choose love.

In adoption, the way the process works is that a "match" (which is what we have) is as official and final as it gets until after the baby is born.  But there is nothing legally binding, no guarantees.  Nothing can become official legally until the baby is born and the adoption is finalized.

There are two options after being matched with a birthmom and moving forward with an adoption. You can choose to hold back and protect yourself, not get attached, not hope.  "Cautious optimism".  Withold your love.  Choose not to give any piece of your heart to this child yet.  Not to have too much compassion or love for the birthmother.  Keep yourself from getting emotionally involved.  Then if something goes wrong - if she changes her mind at any time in the process - you won't be as hurt...

At least that's the way the (misguided) theory goes.  And btw, I ascribed to this theory most of my life before realizing that it's total crap a few years ago.

The second option is to go all in.  Open your heart to this baby.  Choose to let yourself get exited and expectant and hopeful, assuming that all will go well and that this is your baby, and that they will be in your arms soon - forever.  Choose to defy your fear of pain and disappointment and step forward with arms and heart wide open.  Choose to love.

And as we wait, this is always a choice.  Multiple times every day.  Because as humans, our instincts of self-protection are strong.  It is never easy to make the choice to put yourself out there.  It is an act of the will.  So, some days I feel completely freaked out and afraid to love one moment, and the next moment (after a little self pep talk) I am right there, loving this little munchkin of ours from two states away.

(Side note- even leaving the words "of ours" there (above) was difficult for me. I deleted them.  Then I heard a voice say, "leave them there".  Every moment, a choice - to believe that he is ours or to protect myself.  "Of ours" it is.  Just got totally called out by the Spirit! :)  Writing about choosing to risk and put myself out there, and then almost deleting those two words in order to protect myself.  Classic.  I told you it's a constant choice!)

The reality is that protecting yourself doesn't take away the pain if things do fall apart.  Ultimately, the pain will be there regardless of whether you were hopeful and expectant or cautious and guarded.  I have friends who have gone through the pain of a miscarriage.  Losing a child, whether through miscarriage or through a failed adoption, is gut-wrenching.  But protecting yourself by choosing to expect the worst doesn't lessen the pain.  It does, however, rob you of the sweet experience of love.  So what's the point?

Micah and I chose very deliberately with Douglas to continually step forward and open our hearts to him and to his birth mother.  We knew that, if we lost him, we would be completely devastated, but we would be glad that we had prayed for him and sent him love and light all those months.  One can never have too many people loving them.  So we would at least be two more people in this world loving this precious baby.  And, if everything went as planned (which it did), then we would have been loving him and bonding with him from afar for 6 months - and that is what he deserves.

First "Mama picture".  Douglas less than an hour old.

In my opinion, the risk of protecting yourself is that the day your baby is put into your waiting arms, you have no connection, no bond, because you've witheld yourself - your heart - from this baby all along.  You haven't prepared emotionally.  You haven't let yourself be drawn in by this tiny baby before they were born.  You have to start at square one.  And this is not what we want for our children. We want to greet them with all the love and joy and openness that we possess.

Our Aunt Theresa (whose 3 children are adopted) calls this stage of the adoption process the "labor of waiting".  I don't have to go through physical labor like many women do.  I go through an emotional labor.  And let me tell you, it is hard.  It's not easy choosing to love with all your might when you have no control and no guarantee and no rights.  But it is the only thing to do, really.  Because we want to always choose love.  A friend of mine told me, when we were anxiously waiting for Douglas to be born, that Micah and I were learning to walk not by sight but faith, not fear but hope.  That is one of the many beautiful (and difficult) things that the adoption process brings.

So here we go.  Through our labor of waiting.  It will truly be an emotional rollercoaster, no doubt - it always is.  It will be exhausting.  Adoption is mystical and beautiful and painful and amazing.  It begins with pain and loss, and then God redeems it and brings beauty and love forth from it. 

For us, it has brought a family and a life that is nothing like what we pictured and yet more amazing and wonderful than we ever could have hoped for.

May we all learn to walk more by faith and hope.

Go all in.  See what happens.  Even if you get hurt, at least you can say that you loved.  And that's really what life is all about anyway.  Love.

"Bruh-Ber"

Well, I worked over the weekend on posts about non-toxic cleaning supplies.  I even started the first post by saying that I was going to take things down a notch (or ten notches) on the serious scale by going from the adoption posts to a post about green cleaning tips.

But there's been a change of plans.

Baby #2 is on the way!!!

We got the call on Tuesday from our law firm saying that a birth mother (bm) had seen our profile and chosen us to be the adoptive parents.  We then had a phone call that night with Nicole, the bm, after which all three of us said that we were excited to commit to an adoption plan together.  Which means she chose us and we chose her.  Well, really God chose us and God chose her.

Our baby boy is due in August!

It's so amazing.  I said in Crazy Cash Part 1 that we never know what is going on in the bigger picture.  That we can be devastated and sad and think something that we really want will never come to be, and yet in reality it could already be in the works.  It could be just around the corner.  We operate our lives based on how things feel in the present moment, but we have to remember that we never have even close to the whole story.

On Sunday, I had one of those days I talked about before - the ones where I forget the bigger reality that's going on and feel sorry for myself.  Why hasn't someone picked us?  When is our baby coming?  And not because the wait has been long at all in the grand scheme of things, but just because I wanted someone to pick us.  Pick me!  Pick me!  Back to the kindegarten playground, I know.  Even more than just wanting to be picked, though, I wanted to know about our baby.

On Tuesday, I was talking to a girlfriend, telling her how I'd been sad on Sunday.  How for the previous couple of days it had been hard to live in the truth - really live in it - that God has got this, that he has a plan, that he is bringing our baby to us, whether tomorrow or next year.  All things that I know to be true.  I know.  But it had been hard those few days to choose to believe it in every cell of my being. To choose to give a voice to that truth and to drown out or ignore the voices of doubt and self-pity.  It's hard to trust and be patient.

With Douglas' Hope Quilt, we were matched less than 24 hours after we received the quilt.  So there was no time for the "high" of that amazing experience to wear off before we knew about Douglas.  We were given a quilt from God that was meant to give hope and to tell us that our little one was coming soon.  And then he came into our lives the next day (even though he wasn't born for 6 more months).  I never had a chance to see my humanity come out through self-pity or doubt.

But the amazing Crazy Cash story happened 10 days ago.  And that's not long.  At all.  But my faith is small.  And this experience allowed me to see that when a little time passes (a little time), even after directly hearing from God and being told by him that he hears us and he is bringing our baby to us, I still give in to doubt and fear.  So although I knew with every ounce of my wiser self that these things were true and could be trusted and that I could rest and wait, the not-so-wise self was making it difficult at times to cling to what I knew to be true.  And that was discouraging and frustrating.  I mean, what do I need - a freakin' gift straight from God every day!?!?!?  Every week?!??!  What's enough?!

So there I was, telling my girlfriend about how much I was struggling to live in the truth and choose peace.  And about how sad I had been on Sunday, wondering when our baby was going to come into our lives.  I left our conversation, got in the car with Douglas to teach Mommy and Me Yoga.  Half way there, my phone rings, and it's the lawyer's office on caller ID.  I answer tenatively, and our lawyer jumps right in, telling me "your profile has been chosen by a birth mother!"  I of course start crying.  It's just crazy to me to think that this decision had already been made when I was sitting there saying it's so hard to trust and wondering if it was going to be a very long time before we knew about our baby!  We spent the rest of the day finding out more information, talking to Nicole on the phone, and celebrating our baby coming into our lives.

So, thus begins a different kind of waiting.  The kind that requires even more faith and trust as we choose to believe and hope for the best.  But I'll save that topic for another post. :)

p.s.  Nicole lives in Fort Worth, which is 30 minutes from my parents house!  So, when we go to meet her or visit her during the pregnancy, and when we go down when the baby is born, we will have a place to stay and a support system and family members to watch Douglas as his baby brother is born.  That is an incredible blessing!

Crazy Cash Part 4, Summin' it all Up

In the adoption process, as in life in general, it is super easy to forget the truth that there is more going on than we can see, that there is a bigger, more mysterious reality outside of our small little viewpoint.

The side of me that forgets about the bigger reality is prone to thinking things like, "why hasn't a birthmom picked us yet?  We're fun and nice!  We sent cute pictures with our profile!"  It's like wanting to be picked first for the team in gym class.  So the humanity in me just wants to be picked and be done with this waiting business.  There are days when this part of me wins and I feel anxious and impatient and sad - or any combination thereof.

But the other part of me, the wiser one, knows that this isn't about what I need in order to feel good about myself today.  It's not about stroking my ego.  I believe with all of my heart - and Douglas' adoption cemented this truth for me - that there is one (or two, or whatever) baby who is meant to be ours through this process.  God knows who that birthmother is.  God knows who our baby is and exactly when they will be born and when we will meet them and when and where the birthmother will be when she sees our profile and knows that we are The Ones.  And, ultimately, if our profile is picked by someone who isn't the birthmother of our child, then the adoption will fail...I have no doubt.  I believe that, no matter what, only the child who belongs with us will find their way into our lives as our precious child.

Things like the Hope Quilt help me to remember the truth that there is a plan for us and for our family and for our baby and for their birthmother.  Things like the garage sale money help me to remember that it doesn't matter how long we have to wait, nor do any of the other details that I worry about in this process really matter.  Because God's got this.  We will wait as long as it takes until the baby who is meant to be a part of our family is born.  And the day when they are meant to be born could be tomorrow or it could be in two years.

Who cares about the "probable wait time" for an adoption...none of that takes into consideration the fact that we're not just waiting on a baby - we're waiting on our baby.  And only God knows when that little nugget is meant to enter this crazy world of ours.  All I know is this - we'll be ready and waiting with arms wide open.

All three of us.

The End.