Happy Father's Day!

It's been nearly 8 years since I married an amazing rockstar of a man.  It has been one of my great joys to watch him become a dad - and an incredible one at that.  He has been right there in the thick of things since the day Douglas was born - I have always known that this whole parenting things is us - together - it's not just up to me.  And I can't imagine it being any other way.

Micah is a dad who wrestles with his son and tosses him around - and then cuddles and squeezes and kisses him.  He teaches him things like how to clap his hands when Micah says "boom, boom" at the end of the song from What's Eating Gilbert Grape that goes "Match in the gas tank - Boom! Boom!" (Nice - thank you very much for that.  I know I'll be getting calls from preschool teachers about this some day very soon).





He bathes him and teaches him where his elbow is and that feet aren't meant to go on the wall.  He comes home from work and immediately becomes Playtime Daddy for the hour or so that Dougie is awake before he takes him upstairs, reads to him, and puts him to bed.  He showed him how to hold a bat and how to hit a ball off of the tee (it's actually more of a tap than a hit).

He has taught me to hold back instead of rushing in every time Douglas falls - waiting to see if he's hurt instead of immediately gasping and scaring the crap out of the poor kid so that he learns to be afraid of falling (or moving for that matter).  The result is a kid who, if he isn't hurt, just gets up and wipes his hands off on his pants before moving on to play some more.

He also taught me to hold back and let Douglas figure things out for himself rather than fixing everything or doing everything for him.  I never ever would have done this on my own.  It's just a knee-jerk reaction for me.  He can't get the toy out of the container or any of a million other things he can't yet do?  I'll just do it for him.  Now, I know to resist my initial reaction and hold back - to wait.  To watch.  And what I've seen over the months is our son developing into a kid who is a problem-solver.  He's not afraid of trying something a few different ways to figure it out.  He's learning in small ways that he doesn't have to be afraid to fail - that trying is all we want from him.  That we believe that he is capable of very much.  And that, if after trying his best he still can't do it, he can always ask for help.  This is not who my son would be if Micah were not his dad.  It is amazing to learn from him in these ways and then to watch, to literally see it happening as these choices we make flesh themselves out in who Douglas is becoming.

Micah is endlessly creative and always willing to get dirty and worn out all in the name of fun and memories.  He's the guy who (before Douglas was born) decided to make a mud pit with our nephews and friends in the back yard - the same yard that he had just spent countless hours and days tilling up and re-seeding literally weeks before - so that they could play "slip and slide" in the mud. 



Nevermind that this resulted in some serious road rash on his chest from all the little pebbles on the slip 'n slide course.  He seized the day.  He chose making memories with his nephews over having the nicest yard on the block.  (I would be lying if I didn't say it took me a few minutes to see the big picture and to appreciate this big fat muddy mosh pit in our yard when I came home that night, but eventually I did).



Micah's also the guy who runs like crazy through the sprinklers with the kids, yelling and racing and jumping through the ice-cold water, carrying Dougie through the outskirts because he's afraid.



I think my favorite part about him as a dad is the juxtaposition of his rowdy, tough, let him work it out side with his tender, lullaby-singing, tickle partying, "I love you" saying, kiss on the lips, snuggle fest side.

I think Douglas has learned this from his Daddy.  The other morning, this little exchange with Micah started with a cuddle, digressed into wrestle mania where Douglas pulled out the old "sit on their head and put your fingers up their nose" move, and ended with another cuddle.

I love this man who is my husband.  I love a million things about him - the newest volume of Why I Love my Husband is titled "Because he is the best dad I ever could have picked for my precious children."  He makes us laugh all the time.  He asks forgiveness when he has been harsh, and he is willing to change course when he knows he was wrong.  He encourages Douglas (and soon Timon) to be stronger and gentler and braver and wiser and freer and more himself all at the same time.

Happy Father's Day to the man that I get to watch love our children every single day.  If I could choose from any guy in the world to raise kids with, it would be you.  I'm one very lucky lady.



He will be embarrassed that I posted this, but I couldn't help myself.  It seemed fitting that in this place where I write about my life, I honor the man who I get to live it with.

Ode to the Inventor of "Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures"

I freaking love parenthood.  It is fun and oftentimes just plain hilarious.  It's full of surprises and watching your kid learn new things every day (well, when they're 20 months old, at least).  People so often say that when you become a parent you discover a love that you never knew you were capable of.  It's said so often that it's lost its meaning.  But it's so true.

But Parenthood is a full-time gig.  And I'm not full-time nice or energetic or capable of selflessly giving.  This is where the beauty of the concept "desperate times call for desperate measures" comes in.  I want to kiss whoever made up that phrase and then yell "THANK YOU!" at the top of my lungs.  I love this phrase.  When I feel exhausted or stressed or hormonal...or all three - I pull out this phrase and wrap it around me like a warm, fuzzy blanket.  Somehow, this phrase makes me feel like whatever solution I come up with for the current problem is not only acceptable but also a little bit genius.

The last time this phrase literally made my night was a few days ago.  After listening to Douglas whine incessantly while I simultaneously tried to cook dinner and get him to eat almond yogurt, then brown rice and salmon, then applesauce (all of which he has eaten happily many times), I silently chanted the Desperate Times Mantra and plopped a couple of cold chicken fingers down on his tray.  I realize this isn't a super desperate measure.  It is only a desperate measure because a) I never feed him chicken fingers and b) there is a slight chance that there is dairy in them which will mean he will have a stomach ache or a runny nose.  This was the alternative to me screaming very loudly and Dougie going to bed hungry.  Immediate silence ensued - and continued until Douglas was done with dinner and Micah got home from work for play time.

Thank God Micah brought home chicken finger leftovers from his road trip the day before.  Thank God they were in the fridge when a Desperate Times moment hit.  Thank God Dougie apparently loves cold chicken fingers with all his heart.  And Thank God for daddies who come home from work, take their work shoes off, put their flip flops on, and take their son out to the back patio where they then proceed to ride tiny kid bikes together. 

Parenthood is full of countless Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures moments - all kinds of them.  I think half the battle is just learning to accept that, do what you have to do, and then laugh about it all.

Safe Sunscreens!!

It's summertime, and that means swimming pools and sprinklers and sunburns and vacations...so I want to share a resource with you that helps in picking out safe sunscreens.  I'm all business today.

The Environmental Working Group (EWG - I LOVE these people!) came out with their updated Sunscreen Guide for 2011 that lists pretty much ANY sunscreen you can think of.  My mom discovered this resource last year, and it rocks.  It rates the sunscreens on safety in various categories and gives you an overall number.  A rating of 1 or 2 means low hazard, and the numbers go all the way up to 10.  And keep in mind that kids absorb much more of the toxins that they are exposed to than adults do, so pick a 1 or 2 if at all possible for the little ones. Once you click on the link above, you can peruse the site.  Or, for the less patient among you, just click on the Best Sunscreens tab to see the 134 best-rated sunscreens.  At any point you can use the search tool on the site to check out the rating for a particular sunscreen (check out the one you've been using - I bet it's a high, nasty number...last year mine all were, dang it!!)

A quick run-down of the crazy truth about most sunscreens commonly sold in the U.S...3 out of 5 U.S. sunscreens wouldn't pass muster (because of harmful ingredients) in Europe.  Over 60% of SPF 30+ that EWG tested don't adequately protect from UVA rays.  Many sunscreens are still made with Vitamin A (Retinyl Palmitate) even after the FDA reported that, when exposed to the sun, this ingredient may heighten skin cancer risk.  Umm - what?!?  Not cool.  

Read this to find out more about the chemicals in sunscreens, their harmful effects, and the mineral vs non-mineral sunscreen debate.   For the record, this is what EWG has to say about this debate: "Though no ingredient is without hazard or perfectly effective, on balance our ratings tend to favor mineral sunscreens because of their low capacity to penetrate the skin and the superior UVA protection they offer."

My Recommendations

If you're up for re-applying every 45 mins to an hour, I recommend Caribbean Solutions.  It's broad spectrum, which is a good thing.  It smells nice.  It's not overly greasy.  Some random hippy guy at the health food store recommended this one to me when I was looking at the sunscreens.  I didn't ask for his help and was a little taken aback by his very enthusiastic and borderline pushy advice.  He was the guy giving samples of hemp necklaces or hemp smoothies or something.  I cut him off as quickly as possible because I was in a hurry (Micah and Dougie were waiting for me in the car), and he was talking on and on about coral reefs and how this sunscreen is safe for the reefs and I was thinking, "Dude, I love the reefs and that's great and all, but my priority is my kids' skin and I'm not going to buy this reefy sunscreen without looking at the EWG website to see if it's actually going to help prevent CANCER or not!"  So, I was (mildly) rude and left with what I thought was the kind from the list.  When I got home, imagine my surprise (and embarrassment) when I discovered that a) I'd bought the wrong kind and b) the Hippie Hemp Guy's recommendation WAS on the list.  So, I returned the cancer bomb ones and promptly found the cheapest place online to get the Reef-Saving Hippie Screen.  It looks uber crunchy.  It works, and so far I really like it.  The only problem is, I'm not totally into applying every 45 minutes, so I'm going to try another one at some point soon.  Probably All Terrain.

The screen we go with for Douglas is Badger.  It's ridiculously clean ingredient-wise and smells lightly of lavendar (essential oil).   It's a little intense to rub it in (you have to rub more than you may be used to to get the white to rub in, but it does rub in well with a little effort, and your kid won't look like a ghost).  This stuff REALLY WORKS.  I mean, seriously...nothin's getting through this stuff.  I read some reviews on Amazon that said people burned with this on...all I know is that Douglas and his two cousins are all in the sun a lot and none of them have ever burned with this stuff on...it's really, really good.

Btw, my favorite cheap place online for a large variety of natural products is Vitacost.com.  Super good deals on lots of things.

The Skinny on Low Hazard Sunscreens

I checked prices on a bunch of the sunscreens on the "Best Sunscreens" list.  Here are a few that I found to be more reasonable prices (still more than what you're probably used to, though - but so worth it).  These are around $3-$4/ounce.  And a little typically goes a long way on these.  Keep in mind, these links are to specific types of sunscreens that these brands offer.  Jason, for example, has several sunscreens that are rated 5 (not good) but one that is a 2...so don't just get whatever of each brand...make sure it's on the list.  All Terrain,  Badger, Earth's Best for Babies, Goddess Garden, Jason 30 Sunbrellas, Loving Naturals, Caribbean Solutions (reviews of these last two said they didn't last very long - about 45 minutes).

All of these natural, "low hazard" sunscreens are going to be different than the Banana Boat or whatever you're used to (umm, can we say "7!!??!?!").  These low hazard ones can be greasier sometimes.  They sometimes give a white tinge that takes lots of rubbing in to get rid of (this is because many of them are mineral-based, which is a good thing).  You have to reapply more often than every 50 hours.  You'll get used to it.  And when you're annoyed that your kid is a grease slick, just remember you could be saving them from skin cancer or hormone disfunction or a wide array of other nasty problems later, so yay for that.

I highly recommend that you take at least a couple minutes to check out the site.  There's some really interesting information.  Check out the "Sunscreens Exposed" tab.  And definitely peruse the sunscreen list.  Click on a sunscreen on the list (you can look at a list of all sunscreens or you can narrow down).  It will show you information about the product.  Scroll down until you get to the list of ingredients, each of which has a number rating next to it as well as a list of the health concerns of that ingredient.  It's scary stuff, and really important information to know.  Because the sunscreens that are on most store shelves: Neutrogena, Banana Boat, Coppertone, Hawaiian Tropics are SEVENS for the most part, people.  So not worth it. 

I hope this helps!  Happy summering! 

Douglas Thomas the 1st

I always think it's funny when other moms tell me stories about their kids playing in the bathroom while they take a quick shower.  I remember the first time someone told me this and I thought, "Wow!  I can't imagine Douglas being able to do that without getting in trouble.  Maybe I just need to try it!"  I had visions of him breaking out of the bedroom while I was in the shower and ransacking the house.  He's a very sweet little guy - and he listens super well most of the time.  But he's busy.

Douglas and Cousin Brendan discovered that the dog door (we don't have a dog) to the garage was open, so I think they were pretty sure they had discovered some secret passageway...and, as evidenced by their faces, they thought they would get in trouble when found out.  

So, I have tried this whole shower while he's in the bathroom thing twice now.  When I had no other choice.  Both times have resulted in the bathroom looking like a complete disaster.  I ended up trying to direct his destruction through the shower door in an attempt to minimize the damage.  "Dougie, can you go find Mama's shoes?"  He obediently runs into the closet and starts carrying all of my shoes out into the bathroom.  "Can you put them into the bath tub?"  Hey, it's better than in the shower with me where he originally intended to put them all.  "Where are Daddy's shoes?"  At the end of the shower, my bath tub was filled with shoes, slippers, my phone charger, a bracelet, and some bath toys.  The floor was covered with hair clips, gel, lotion, brushes.  I laugh to think of those other kids, whoever they are, who apparently just play quietly by the shower until their mom gets out.  That is not who our little guy is.  He wasn't made that way.

Sometimes I find myself saying strange things as a mom that surprise me.  Like when he won't hurry enough to get out the door to leave the house and I have said a couple times, "Alright, bye bye!  I'm leaving."  I don't say it in anger, just in an attempt to hurry him up.  I have never liked it when parents say this.  It feels manipulative and kindof mean.  And it's a lie - you're not really going to leave your kid - who are you kidding?  (No offense to the millions of parents who have used this technique numerous times - I just don't personally like it).  Yet in spite of my distaste for this tactic, I've heard it come out of my mouth on accident a time or two.  The other day when I said this, Dougie totally called my bluff.  He just looked up and smiled an innocent smile at me, waved and said, "Bye, bye!" without a trace of fear or anxiety on his face.  He knew his mama wasn't going anywhere without him.  Busted!  I couldn't help but burst out laughing.  He totally had me.

Later that same day, I was holding him by his crib and singing him the lullaby that I always sing when it's time for sleep.  Usually at this point he starts snuggling in or lays his head down or gets quiet.  This time, he started to dance with a huge grin on his face.  Not slow, sleepy dancing that would be fitting of a lullaby.  He was channeling his inner hip hop dancer.  Raising his arms, lifting one shoulder at a time like the cool kid that he is. 

Douglas Thomas is totally his own man.  And I love this about him.  We believe strongly in discipline, and sometimes we have to remind him that he doesn't run the show around here.  But most of the time I just think it's hilarious that he thinks he does.  I appreciate it (most of the time) when he reminds me that he is a person, too, and that he is not just going to go along with everything that I do or say or expect of him.  Rock on, little man.  Be yourself.  Surprise me.  I love surprises.  And, when I don't, I'll apologize later for my temper.  And you'll show me that you forgive me by smiling and wrapping those little arms around my neck.  I'm so very glad that you were born and that I get to watch you grow up and become more of who you are.