Sleep Deprived

I wrote this post a week or so ago, but kept wanting to tweak it more before posting it.  I'm posting it as-is now because the feelings and emotions that the post describes are changing with time and I think it's important to be honest about them rather than waiting until they fade away.
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My dear friend said to me on the phone the other day - "It sounds on the blog like everything's going great!"  I laughed and said, "Well, you may have noticed that I haven't posted anything in a couple weeks!"  Her comment made me realize that I needed to post something now - while I'm struggling with adjusting to having two kids, feeling like I'm going crazy at times - instead of waiting until it blows over.

The thing is, I can be a negative person sometimes.  I used to be negative pretty much all the time until I discovered yoga, which made me a more open, light person.  And later, separate from yoga, I experienced a lot of healing in my life in general, which made me a more positive person.  But that old Eeyore voice tries to find its way back to me sometimes, and I don't want to spread that nastiness - that heavy, woe-is-me, life is out to get me, I'm a victim nastiness.  SO, when I'm feeling blah, I tend to get quieter on this blog sometimes because I don't want to pass blah on to you - there's already enough of that going around.

But what I sometimes forget is that there might be other people out there who are feeling the same way that I do and might be afraid to speak up.  And maybe me being honest about my crap will help them to find the voice to say that they are sad or overwhelmed or feel like they're in over their heads and failing.

So, let's just get it out there - I'm not sailing through this whole mom of 2 kids thing.

I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!  

My sweet Mom came to the rescue two weeks ago, so I have gotten lots of sleep and help and encouragement and I am now freaking out much less than I was.

But having two kids is HARD!!  Several friends who have lots of kids have said to me, "oh, yeah, going from one to two is the hardest - you just have to get through it."

I am tired.  And cranky.  I needs lots of sleep - I always have, and now I'm not afraid to say it.  The truth is, I really believe it's just how God made me.  So when my sleep is disrupted, I kind of fall apart.  Then add to that a crazy 2-year-old running all over the place (who quickly learned to take advantage of my weakness when I'm feeding Timon and can't do much about his sneaky antics).  And a tiny munchkin who had some massive digestive issues for the first 6 weeks that make him cry (REALLY LOUDLY) and made sleeping difficult for him.   Sometimes it feels like he's yelling AT me, even though I know he's really just trying to get some help and relief by using the only voice he has.  (Thankfully, we found a formula that works better for him, so he is a MUCH happier little man now).

I felt so guilty for having any negative feelings about having 2 kids because we wanted it so badly, we hoped for it, we prayed for it, we waited for it to happen.  And then it did, and I didn't feel like I had the right to complain.  But that's crap.  It's hard, and it's ok to say that.  I love Timon and I'm SO glad that he was born and that he's ours - period.  AND having another child is hard as hell sometimes.

It's hard to discipline Douglas when I'm feeding Timon or he's crying and Douglas is running away from me.  It's hard to do what Timon needs me to do to help him get to sleep when Douglas is in his high chair in the other room whining and crying for Mommy.  As a mom of more than one kid, my attention and my energy are now always being pulled in multiple directions.  And that's taking some serious adjustment.

When I get overwhelmed in life, I tend to shut down sometimes.  I start to feel like I'm floating, which is not a fun way to feel.

I'm attaching this picture because I think it captures how I've felt at times these past couple months.  I look so tired and spacey even though I'm trying to watch and be a part of things.  I didn't even know I was staring off in the distance until I saw this picture and thought, "wow, I look exhausted."

I think a large part of it is also that I am still recovering (and may be for a while) from the trauma of the adoption process.  It was extremely stressful, and many of the emotions were so complex and deep that my body physically didn't know how to let them out.  So, I did my best to be healthy about it - to talk about it, to allow the tears to come if or when they did, to accept where I was.  But I knew all along that I was stuffing a lot of it because I had to, there was no other way my body could deal with it at the time.  Eventually, as with all stuffed emotions, these things need to come up and out.

So for now I'm trying to just accept where I'm at.  Let go of the expectations I have of myself and Timon and Douglas and Micah and motherhood and whatever else I'm placing my own expectations on.  It's hard to do this because I want to be a kind, easy-going, non-screaming mom and person.  I don't want to have a tiny capacity for stress that translates to frequent outbursts or frustration when one thing doesn't go right or when things start to get crazy around here. 

All we can do is be where we are - in this moment.  I can't change the fact that I'm freaking out a lot of the time.  Or that I feel numb and blah and float-ey.  All I can do is nurture and care for myself in this time and let my body and heart do what they need to do.  All I can do is love and embrace Douglas and Timon for who they are today.  And love them the best way that I can today.

So, if you're reading this and you happen to be a mom who's freaking out and doesn't feel like you're "holding it together" right now, please know that you're not alone.  (Btw, what does "holding it together" even mean, anyway?!)  I believe that life is very hard a lot of the time but that it is also breathtakingly beautiful.  And, the truth is, when we bullshit and tell each other that everything's going perfectly and that we've got everything under control, we make each other feel more alone.

And the point is, we are never, ever alone.