Back to School

Tomorrow, my tiny baby boy is going to school.  Well, technically he's not tiny anymore - or a baby - he's about to be 2 and he's very tall and weighs 30 something pounds.  And technically it's not school - it's a 5 hour Mom's Day Out program that my sister's two boys go to and love.  But this step feels very weighty.  And BIG.  And sad.

Today I decorated a little posterboard person to represent Douglas.  It will get hung up in the classroom along with all his little soon-to-be-buddies' people.  I planned to do camo pants because Micah and I both believe that every little boy should have a pair of camo shorts or pants that fit him at all stages of development.  This is a random belief that kindof surprises me actually, but I guess Douglas just looks so dang cute in them that we can't help ourselves.  Camo, it turns out, is hard to draw and looks silly with the two green options that my little JV crayon box offered, so bright green it is.

 (Hey, don't make fun of the little man.  I didn't cut him out, alright?! :)  And his eyes?  Don't even get me started on the eyes.)

I chose a Curious George shirt for many reasons.  Douglas LOVES Curious George.  And we love the fact that he loves him - because we do, too.  Micah still has a small stuffed George from his childhood that is in Douglas' room now.  This George's eyes fell out along the way and Micah's mom replaced them with big blue eyes.

More than all of this, though, is the fact that Douglas is truly a Curious Little Monkey.  He is "a good little monkey, and always very curious."  He's busy, always getting into things, always exploring - all in the name of curiosity.  We're pretty sure that Douglas is taking notes whenever we read Curious George books to him - "hmm...take the zoo master's keys and escape the cage, then hide with the elephant under the hay...NICE!  Grab the balloon man's balloons and let them lift you up into the air until you float around above the city...GENIUS!"  A wise parent in our shoes might consider censoring George, but we could never.  We love our Curious Little Monkey just the way he is.

So, I googled Curious George images and found one where George is holding up big binoculars to his face.  I love this because it represents our little explorer, always looking out at the world, always observing, always scoping out some good old fashioned FUN. 

Tonight I packed my baby his first ever school lunch.  The first of very, very many.  Sun Butter and Jelly, crustless, cut into four squares.  Dougie has only had PB&J about three times in his life, but he seems to like it, and I hope he is happy to find it in his lunch tomorrow.  A box of raisins because he loves them with all his heart and loves sticking his chubby little fingers into the box to try to fish them out...usually finishing with "Mama help" when his fingers (inevitably) can't reach the bottom.  (Who will be there to help him tomorrow???)  A rice cake.  Almond Yogurt...the peach kind because it's his favorite.  And a little squishy to-go bag of kid food because they're fun and he LOVES them.  His lunch bag is pretty much just a combo of everything that he loves or I think he will love...because I'm sad he's going to school and I'm sad thinking of him eating his lunch without someone there to help him if he needs it or to talk with him or know how to decipher what his words mean.  And so I soothe myself by giving him lots of treats for lunch.

They only get one snack during the day - I am a snacker and so is Douglas...all day long.  I told Micah I'm sad thinking he might get hungry and wonder why he can't have more snacks.  I said maybe when he's older I'll send him snacks in his pocket.  Micah said, "yeah, we'll send him in cargo pants and load him up."  I said, "yeah, with tots."  - Napolean Dynamite style.

Micah and I are a wreck about this school business.  Micah said, "I don't know WHAT I'm going to do when he goes to Kindergarten!!"  I know what I'll do.  Cry my face off and go buy myself a Sonic Dr. Pepper treat to make myself feel better.  I'll probably do the same tomorrow.  Micah and I talked tonight about how hard it is to let your kids go.  To send them out into the world and wonder if they'll be sad sometimes or feel all alone or afraid or insecure and wonder where you are - their support system, their security blanket.  What if other kids are mean to him?  (What if he's mean to other kids?)  What if he asks for help or tries to tell the teachers something and they can't understand him like we can?  What if he says "sit by you" (his way of saying "sit by me, please") and points to the chair next to him - and they don't sit by him?!?!?

Up until now, we have been in charge of his world.  We decide who he plays with and when and we are almost always there to watch the playing.  What if he becomes friends with the class bully and learns their tricks?  What if he gets bullied?  This is the first step toward letting go - releasing him to life, to what will come - what must come.  This is a tiny step even though it feels painfully huge.  There are countless more steps like it to come.

Be brave, baby boy.  Be kind.  Be curious.  Show love to all the little munchkins around you, especially the ones who are crying or afraid.  And when you are crying or afraid, take a deep breath - just like I taught you when you were very little.

You are kind.  You are important.  You are loved.

And so is every other kid in that classroom with you.  Always, always remember that, sweet baby boy.  Always.

I love you as big as the sky.  I am so very lucky to get to be your Mama, Douglas Thomas.