I had a couple different conversations with Nicole in her room throughout those two days. At one point we talked about his features and where they may have come from. She has no idea where his dimple chin comes from. She thinks his probable height comes from her brother and dad who are 6'4" and 6'5". We smiled and laughed at his cute cheeks, his precious curly hair (she said her daughter's hair was similar at birth). It felt so good to share that experience of looking at this child that we both love and discussing his preciousness. She asked if I had seen his eyes open yet because she hadn't.
The next night (our last night in the hospital), when Timon was with her, she texted me a picture of him with his eyes open. I wrote back, "YAY! You're seeing his eyes open!" She said, "Yes! Please take care of him and keep him safe." I promised that we would. She said "Tell Micah to teach him the right way to be a man and respectful to women." I teared up instantly. I said, "He will. He is the most respectful man I know. He is truly an amazing man, and it's very important to him (and me) that he teach his sons how to be good men." She said, "Ok. I love you guys." More tears. I said, "We love you too, Nicole. We are so very grateful for you and your love and courage and bravery."
I never in a million years thought she would tell us she loved us. I had wanted to tell her that a couple different times but had chosen not to as I thought it would make her uncomfortable. April (Douglas' birthmom) and I started telling each other that after the intensity of Douglas' birth, which we experienced together. It is hard to explain the love that we as adoptive parents have been able to share with our sons' birth mothers. It is very different from any love I've ever experienced. Usually, when you love someone you know them well, you are comfortable around them. This is someone we know very little about, and they know even less about us or our history. It is someone with whom we share awkward moment after awkward, difficult, stressful moment. There is nothing easy about this relationship, or comforting. But we LOVE them.
It defies logic, really. And it just hits you all of a sudden. I didn't always feel love for either April or Nicole. In fact, that sense of "wow, I really love this girl" didn't come until late in the game - either after the birth or, in Nicole's case, before the birth when my heart opened up to the truth that I wanted what was best for Timon and for her, not what I thought was best for me. My compassion and respect for these women grew and grew. And, ultimately, I think this kind of love is born from respect. I witnessed what these women did, the agony and pain they went through to do what they knew was right. And it amazes me and fills me with an incredible amount of respect for them.
I think most people (I'm pretty sure I used to feel this way) have a stigma about birthmoms. Maybe that they are irresponsible or immature or weak - either for getting pregnant in the first place or for not being able to take care of their baby. Even the language of "giving up your baby for adoption" shows this defeatist attitude of giving up.
Birth moms are the strongest people I have ever met - perhaps in other areas of their lives some of them might be weak and give up easily (who doesn't?), but in this experience of placing their child for adoption, entrusting them to another human being to raise and love and protect them - in this experience they are total superheros. They are brave and resolute and strong and beautiful and courageous and heroic and selfless.
And they love these children. Man, do they love them.
I think a lot of people mistakenly assume that birth moms don't love these babies and that's why they can do this, that somehow it shows a character flaw that they would do this. No matter what anyone says, birth moms are bonded in ways with the child that they carried in their belly for 9 months. Even if they are emotionally cut off and unaware, their heart doesn't lie - their body and their heart know that this love and this bond is there - and it is gut-wrenching for them to let go.
Maybe you have to be a first-hand witness to this amazing experience to really believe and know that birth moms truly and deeply love the children that they place for adoption...but it is something that I know with every ounce of my being. I have seen it. And seeing that and knowing that and watching these women make what is likely to be the hardest decision they will ever have to make has borne in me a profound respect unlike any I have ever felt for another human being, and a resulting love that defies all odds and looks nothing like any other love I have experienced in my life.
It amazes me beyond words that Nicole went through with this decision that she made. She had no support, except for her friend Edith. Her family was vehemently and vocally opposed to this decision. I have zero doubt that she suffered immense consequences, and probably still is, from her family in the aftermath of this decision. She was completely alone. 18 years old. With very few resources or tools with which to deal with this experience. And yet she did it. She did it. She continued to walk forward, with strength that could only come from the Spirit in her because it is superhuman. She chose to experience immense pain and loss for the sake of this precious child whom she loves. She chose to experience this pain in order to do what she felt in her heart was right and best for him.
And I love her for that.
And she chose us to be the parents. And God chose us, too. And I love them BOTH for that.
1 comment:
Ginger, Thank you, again. Your words are AMAZING. This post I will share with our son Reed, 10, adopted from South Korea! You are touching my family is so many ways!!
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