Today

All adoption processes have some drama, most of them have LOTS of drama.  It comes with the territory of going through something that is excruciating and beautiful all at the same time.

Our drama with Nicole is not out of the ordinary - it won't win any prizes.  And the tricky part is, there's never a formula.  There's no measuring stick that says that drama like x means the adoption will fail but drama like y means that it will go through.  Two different adoption workers separately told me with Douglas that "half the time, the cases that we lose sleep over the whole time end up going through and the ones that we never worried about and thought they were going perfectly end up falling through."  I hope we're in the first category, because we've had some drama.  Please don't panic.  The last thing I need right now is to freak you all out and then have to calm you back down.  I'm using all my energy to try to stay present and trust God for what comes.  The drama we're experiencing isn't that huge and usually it's drama for a day and the next day it's all worked out and no big deal.

But we're getting closer - probably 2-3 weeks until delivery.  So drama begins to feel weightier and scarier even if the drama itself has in no way changed.

Yesterday, I first freaked out about more drama and then spent time journaling.  I came to several truths that had momentarily eluded me.

1.  God has made it ridiculously clear all along that this is the path he has for us right now.  So, no matter where this path leads, no matter what happens, THIS is The Way.  We are exactly where we are supposed to be. 

2. God loves Timon so incredibly much, and whatever happens, he will use it for good in his life.  He will never leave him alone.  And we can count on that, even if Nicole changes her mind and he grows up in what seems to us to be a precarious situation.  His name is Timon David.  He is one who honors God, one who is beloved. 

3. If we lose our child, we will survive.  It will break our hearts, but we will get through.  And the Reality that God loves us and Timon and Nicole and has a beautiful plan, even when the beautiful plan leads through sharp, painful, dark gorges, never ever changes.

4.  Psalm 91:4:  "He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." (NLT)

This is the 1st pic on this blog that I have not taken myself.  I have no idea who took this, or I would give them credit here.  But THIS WAS NOT TAKEN BY ME

The above text and picture were in an email forward my Dad (who never sends forwards) sent to me last night in the perfect moment without knowing I needed to see/hear it.

A wise and dear friend named Jenni reminded me last night that "going all in" for me right now might mean "living apart from making assumptions...living in the truth of your present reality, with consideration for the past, but zero assumptions or expectations for the future, even for the next minute after this one.  The truth is that Timon is your son and you know this, in this moment to be true.  Everything after this moment can't be your truth because your truth is now and everything leading up to now...it means resting in every present moment and trusting what God has made clear in this moment."  


I thought about how clear God has made it, over and over again, that he is here with us, that we are where he wants us to be, that we don't have to be afraid. 

So, after journaling and text message therapy with Jenni, I felt lighter, freer.  More aware that all I can do is live in this moment, that God has given me what I need to be here in this moment and to experience what this day has for me...this day.  And hypothesizing about whether the things Nicole does or doesn't do mean that the adoption will or won't go through is a useless waste of time and energy at least, and totally life-draining at most.

Last night, I felt like I was holding Timon and there was this pull, like a magnetic force, pulling him away from me and toward Nicole.  I, always superstitious, wondered whether this was my fear talking or whether it was foretelling us losing him. 

Today, out of nowhere, Nicole texted me.  We haven't been texting or talking very regularly lately, and its been months since she initiated a text conversation just for the heck of it.

This is what went down (I'm changing it a little so that her text lingo is more readable):

(Side Note: Nicole's mom seems to be emotionally unstable based on the very little we know.  She has been vehemently opposed to the adoption all along and has said horrible things to Nicole about this and is ramping up her efforts as the due date comes nearer.)

N: Hi.  I know we haven't talked (in a while) but I have just been having a lot going on and thinking to do.

G: Thanks for texting.  How are you?  I know this must be a very difficult time for you.

N: Yea my mama and grandmother aren't making it any easier.  But everything is going good, I have a doc appointment on thursday.

G: Oh really?  Your grandmother isn't supportive of the adoption?

N: She really doesn't say much.  More my mom.

G: I am so sorry you don't have more support and probably feel alone sometimes.  It must be very hard to do what you feel is best and right even though your mom tells you her own opinions.  You've been so brave, Nicole.

N: Yeah, she has been trying to make deals with me and I just am having a hard time.  I'm trying not to think about it.

* At this point, I felt on the one hand nauseous knowing that her mother (Nicole's only 18) is trying to make deals with her daughter to make her keep a child that she KNOWS she can't take care of.  On the other hand, I felt this other thing - this deeper, more quiet and still and heavy yet full-of-peace feeling of knowing what I had to do, what was right to do, what God was asking me to do.

I had to let go.  If I told her what I wanted her to do or in any way manipulated her to try to steer her toward placing him with us, I was being as unloving and selfish as her mother is being.  I had to muster up all my courage and strength and let her know that I would support her whatever she decides.  I had to choose to speak the truth that was swirling around in my head that I knew was the whisper of God.  I was terrified to say it in a way, because part of me wanted to think of the best thing to say to manipulate her into making the choice that I think is best, the one that I want her to make.  But I knew with every cell of my now quiet, still, heavy yet peaceful body what I had to say.

And to do this, I had to set aside the presumption that she had already made her decision, because she, like every birth mother, is of course constantly deciding over and over again throughout the whole pregnancy.  This is the hardest decision they will ever have to make.  Of course it ebbs and flows.  So, really, the decision has never been made until the papers are signed.

So this is what I said:

G: Would it be easier on you if you stopped talking to her for a little while so that you can just do what you truly believe is best without her constantly telling you what she wants you to do?  This is your decision to make...not mine, not your mom's.  Only you can make this choice.  And it has to be based on what's best for YOU and for this precious BABY...no one else.  So, no one else's opinions matter. 

N: Yeah, you're right.

G: I want you to know that I want what's best for this baby.  That's what I pray for.  Obviously, I REALLY want to be his Mom and raise him.  But I love him and ultimately what I most want and what I ask God for is whatever's best for him...and for God to give you the courage to make that decision, whatever it is.  I care very much about you, Nicole.  This baby has connected our hearts because we both love him so much.  This is true no matter what happens.  And I want you to know that I care very much about you and how hard this is for you and I will keep praying for you - for wisdom and courage and strength and for God's arms to make you know that you're not alone.

N: Thank you so much.  I'm going to try to stay focused.  (Then she wrote about how she knows she can't take care of 2 children - she has a daughter already).

G: You are very brave and stronger than you know.

It felt good to say these things to her.  I knew I'd done what I needed to do.  I realized that the feeling I'd had the night before of Timon being pulled away from me by a magnet was because I wasn't supposed to be holding on to him that way.  He is in Nicole's belly right now - and that's where he's supposed to be right now.  I need to let her make her decision.  It is hers to make.  It is not time for him to separate from her right now - he is inside of her.  This doesn't mean I'm supposed to love him any less or prepare for him any less, but now is not the time to cling to him and steel my arms against anyone else, especially his birth mother in whose body he currently resides.  That's a losing battle, and it's not right.  It felt good to stop fighting that magnetic pull.

I want Nicole to make the decision she feels is best.  I pray that God will give her the wisdom about what that is.  I want her to have the reassurance as she goes through (if she does) the hardest thing she has ever had to do - the reassurance that she did what was best, what was right.  Without that, it will be all the more painful, maybe even impossible.  

From where we're standing, it's easy to assume that of course what's best for him is for us to be his parents - a stable home, a mom and a dad to care for him, etc etc.  But what do we know?  Just because we have more money or a more stable life or more support doesn't mean that he will certainly be better off with us.  I want what's best for Timon.  I want what's right.  I want to raise him so badly, but more than that, I want him to be happy and loved and to know the Father who made him and loves him bigger than the ocean and the sky.  And if, contrary to what we tend to assume, he will be most loved and most happy and most connected with the Father under Nicole's care, then that's where I want him to be.

So, if you are a person who prays, and if we come to your mind, please pray with us for Nicole to have the wisdom (far surpassing her years) to sense what is best for Timon, and courage to make that decision no matter what surrounds her.  And that she will be filled with peace that surpasses understanding.  And pray for us to be able to receive whatever it is the Father has for us in these next few weeks.  And to walk this path with grace and mercy and peace that allow us to care for Nicole rather than protect ourselves and our own agendas and our own hearts.  And, heck, while you're at it, might as well pray that her crazed mom backs off and isn't there at the hospital...a girl can hope, right? :)  I know, I know, if she's there it's for a reason and it will be ok.

I feel so much more peace than I did at this time yesterday.  And nothing circumstantial is responsible for that.  I feel peace because I know there is no other place on the path that I'm supposed to be and that if more pain awaits me, it's ok and I will get through it and God loves my guts and has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  I feel peace because I know and trust that God loves Timon and will take care of him...whether under our roof or another.  I really, really hope it's ours, though.


I love that true peace makes us like superheros in some sweet-action force field.  Peace exists outside of circumstance.  I love those moments when I choose this peace and become invincible - no longer a victim to the waves and storms around me.  Aaah.  Don't get me wrong - I'm VERY human, so I choose fear and anxiety and living in the future and FREAKOUTS pretty often.  I feel thankful for these moments of peace and for the Reality that this peace is always, always immediately available to me...all I have to do is receive it.