Post-Freakout Thoughts

I wrote the post below last week, the morning after I posted Jacob's Wounded Hip.  I wrote this post in the midst of my meltdown when I was trying to claw my way back to the surface where I could breathe.  When I'm in pain, I reach out to all kinds of things to help - wardrobe included.  I'm not sure why I never posted this - I probably got distracted or thought it needed to be polished and didn't have the energy to polish it.  Today I figure polishless is just fine.
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Today, I'm wearing a shirt that I got a few years ago that says "The Power of Peace."  It has a hippie peace sign on it and a heart.  I wore it in the hospital with Douglas the day after he was born.  I had already packed it for the hospital in TX, but I knew that today (and in the days to come) I really needed it.

I'm also wearing my necklace that I've posted a pic of before.  It's a combo of two necklaces.  During this adoption process, I took a cross necklace that I wore during the hospital time with Douglas and added it to a pendant that says "Peace."  I could pretty much always use some extra peace.

I woke up knowing that it was time to call in the big guns.  So I put on my shirt, my necklace, and a red bandana around my head that makes me look like a badass.  A hippie, peace-seeking badass.

Douglas and I went for a walk this morning around the lake near our house.  The water was so incredibly still..."God, make me still like this water."

I listened to my Ipod, to a playlist I made a while back and named "Adoption 2011".  For the record, I also have "Adoption Rockstar 2011".

"Music is the language of the spirit.  It opens the secret of life - bringing peace, abolishing strife." - Kahlil Gibran

Music gets me through a lot of things...I remember many moments during the process of adopting Douglas where the music I listened to became my prayer, my mantra, my crying out to God.  This time around has been no different.

"All I can do is keep breathing."  Ingrid Michaelson

"There's hope for the hopeless." A Fine Frenzy

"You're not alone, together we stand.  I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand.  When it gets cold and it feels like the end - there's no place to go - you know I won't give in.  Keep holding on.  Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through."  Avril Lavigne

The song below is #75 now on my playlist here if you want to check it out.  It's a modified version of an old hymn.  Lately, the words "Oh the deep, deep love...All I need and trust is the deep, deep love of Jesus" oftentimes float gently around in my mind, calming my spirit when I'm anxious or afraid.  "Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Your love."

"Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me
Underneath me, all around me
Is the current of Your love
Leading onward, leading homeward
To Your glorious rest above

Oh the deep, deep love
All I need and trust
Is the deep, deep love of Jesus

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Spread His praise from shore to shore
How He came to pay our ransom
Through the saving cross He bore
How He watches o’er His loved ones
Those He died to make His own
How for them He’s interceding
Pleading now before the throne

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Far surpassing all the rest
It’s an ocean full of blessing
In the midst of every test
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Mighty Savior, precious Friend
You will bring us home to glory
Where Your love will never end" Sovereign Grace

"I am waiting in a silent prayer.  I am frightened by the load I bear.  Be with me now.  Be with me now.  Breath of heaven, hold me together.  Be forever near me, breath of heaven.  Breath of heaven, light in my darkness, pour over me your holiness, for you are holy, breath of heaven.  Do you wonder as you watch my face if a wiser one should have had my place?  But I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan.  Help me be strong.  Help me be...help me.  Breath of heaven, hold me together.  Be forever near me, breath of heaven.  Breath of heaven, light in my darkness, pour over me your holiness, for you are holy." Amy Grant

 [I've been wearing my necklace every day since this post, and my Power of Peace shirt is washed and ready to be packed back in the hospital bag.  Micah, Dougie and I went out in search of a few perfect wardrobe finds yesterday - I scored a Superman tee for this week as well as the perfect shirt to wear for Timon's birth day.  Here we go!!]