Death Grip

I seem to be putting all of my anxiety and worry about this adoption into trying to hold all of the details together.  Yesterday, feeling worn out, I sat outside and had a good cry sesh and listened over and over - and over - to a song called "Hope for the Hopeless" by A Fine Frenzy.  It's on the playlist at the bottom of this page (song #34).  Check it out.  I love it.  I love music and the way that it speaks to the soul.

I have been carrying a burden that is not mine this whole adoption process - all of these details that are not mine to deal with or figure out, but I can't seem to let go of.  I know that I need to let go and let the professionals do their jobs, but for some reason it's been really difficult for me to do that.  And, the problem is, I'm not good at those details anyway.  So I walk around with all this stress because I feel like I'm dropping a lot of balls that I'm supposed to be keeping in the air - even though a) I'm totally not the one who's supposed to be juggling them, and b) I'm really not good at juggling those types of things anyway.  So, you can see my predicament.  I'm putting pressure on myself to do something that I don't need to do and that I'm pretty bad at doing, so I constantly feel like I'm failing or missing something.  Thus, my exhaustion.  My brain is mushy like brains tend to get when demands are placed on them that are inappropriate in both content and quantity.

I am going to try to let go of my death grip on all of the details of this process (which, by the way, I know nothing about).  Micah had a good laugh last night pointing out the fact that I think that I know better than these people whose life work is to do these things.  They are trained professionals.  Lawyers, adoption agency workers, social workers.  But somehow I feel pretty certain that they need me to make sure they're doing everything right.  Umm...what do I know about the legal side of the adoption process?!  This is ridiculous.  I know.  But, so far, I can't seem to stop myself!  I want to make sure that no one misses any details that are important.  I don't know what that might be, but there's no way I'm going to let them miss it.

One of the many difficult things about the adoption process is that you have to trust strangers to do everything right.  If they miss certain details, it could be a big problem.  As with any legal process, you have to get it right.

So, you are forced to trust these people who you don't know with something so incredibly huge and emotional and intense.  I'm not good at this.  I'm bossy.  I oftentimes think I probably know better than _____ (insert name.  Doctor.  Lawyer.  Husband (who coincidentally thinks he knows better than me).  Parents).  I recently came home from a dermatologist appointment telling Micah I was sure that the doctor had been wrong about a sun spot on my back, that he must not have known what he was talking about.  The man has been a dermatologist for like 35 years.

I know, it's a sickness I have.  And I don't really think so highly of myself as to think that I know more than everyone else.  Seriously.  It's just hard for me to let go and trust the experts.  This whole control freak thing always catches me off guard.  I don't think of myself as a control freak.  I don't think I've always been one.  But, the older I get, the more I realize that I'm way more control freakish than I give myself credit for.  Especially when I'm emotional and out of my comfort zone.  It ain't pretty.

And I know that trying to control the details is just a manifestation of my worry and fear about the adoption.  Maybe if I let go a little bit, the real emotions behind all of this can be dealt with and released.  The truth, of course, is that I don't have to trust these strangers to "get it right."  I have to trust the Father to get it right - and He always does.  I frequently lose sight of this and channel all of my nervous energy into managing all of the surface level details.  In reality, God knows who our child is, and only that child will end up as part of our family forever - and there is nothing that Micah or I or the lawyers or social workers or Nicole can do to mess that up.  Nothing.

So, let it be known that I know I have a problem with letting go, and this adoption process is no exception to that.  But I want to let go (correction: part of me wants to let go - the other part is hanging on for dear life).  I know that this is yet another life experience that gives me the opportunity to live in the truth that things are not on my shoulders - that this isn't all up to me - or even partially up to me.  That I can let go and rest and spend my time and energy on something else...like enjoying life!  Seems like a pretty good tradeoff.

Here's hoping I find the strength to loosen my death grip on all of these things that aren't even mine to hold on to.  Here's hoping I find a way to let go and live in freedom out from under the weight of all that is not mine to carry.

 

Cousins