She stared at me for a split second and said, with the certainty and precociousness that is always present in her voice, (even when she's not certain at all) - "Well, white babies come from tummies. But brown babies don't come from tummies." This was not at all what I was expecting. I said, "Actually, all babies come from tummies. Timon grew in another lady's tummy. Her name's Miss Nicole, and she has brown skin, too - just like his!" Her mom, Sarah, jumped in at this point and said, "but Ginger gets to be Timon's Mommy." Emmi, now a little confused, asked why. Sarah told her that it was because God had a very special plan for our family.
And that was that.
Sarah is a friend of mine. She is kind and thoughtful and sensitive, so she has asked many questions along the way about how I recommend that she talk to her girls about adoption. She wanted them to understand it, and she (like most of us) had no idea how to explain such a complicated thing to them. She knew that they would of course be confused when one day I suddenly had a baby without ever having a big belly. I told her that we talk about it in terms of whose tummy the kids grew in. We tell Douglas that he grew in Miss April's belly and that he was adopted. We keep it pretty simple for now.
I was thrilled about this conversation with Emmi. It was the first one like it, and it was fun to practice. That's the nice thing about having older kids around - they start asking questions way before Timon is aware of what we're talking about, so it gives me time to practice and fine-tune how I want to communicate this very important message to the people around us.
If someone were listening to this 4-year-old saying that white babies come from tummies but brown babies don't, they might have been offended by what she said. But really it is a remarkable example of how a child's brain works. She knew that Timon had brown skin. She knew that he hadn't grown in my tummy - her mom had confirmed that. So, the only natural inference to be made if you are a 4-year-old is that brown babies don't grow in bellies. Simple!
Here's the thing. Emmi is confident and precocious enough to ask when she is curious about something. This is a part of her personality that, no doubt, leaves Sarah feeling a little embarrassed at times, but it is a wonderful trait in a lot of ways. She said what other kids are thinking but are afraid to say. This enabled me, an adult who cares about her, to understand her more and to inform her perception with truth and love.
My nephew Brendan is the same age and is a totally different personality. Brendan was there that day and heard his good friend Emmi talking with me about all of this. He's a perfectionist who doesn't want to disappoint or upset people. And he's very emotionally tuned in to others - if someone in the room is sad or angry or fearful, he senses it. So he would probably never have said those things that Emmi so brazenly said that day. Maybe he would have asked, timidly, in the safety of his own home. Probably not. I capitalized on this opportunity and said to him later, "I'm so happy that Emmi asked me those questions today about Timon's brown skin. She was brave to do that, wasn't she? If you ever want to ask me any questions about Timon or about his skin or adoption, I want you to, ok? Do you know that?" He smiled and nodded his head.
The point is, all kids are wondering these things - whether they ask us about them or not.
You may not believe me. Heck, I wouldn't have believed me a year ago. In my next post, I'll share the information and research that crossed my path (twice) that completely changed my perspective on talking to kids about race - and my perspective on the idea of color blindness.
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